Sometimes I whine a little (read: LOT) and sometimes I use the wrong measure for deciding the good or bad or hard of a given day, but yesterday? Was legitimately hard. It was house hard and kid hard and ministry hard and Tax Day hard and, most of all, it was ALS hard. After dinner, as Josiah was trying to recover from a tough track meet and struggling through a soul-melting amount of math homework, I wondered for a moment if dividing fractions has ever turned a mom and a kid into ever-loving loons. Like, after surviving the ferocity of this year, what if the thing that finally breaks us is how many pizzas can you make if you have nine blocks of cheese and each pizza needs 1/3 block except one which needs soy cheese and extra love and…bleh. Seriously, we hit a point where I wasn’t sure either one of us was gonna make it, but we did. We stuck with the dumb division, we tried to stay happy and then we both collapsed – him into the tub and me into my bed.
I sat there reviewing my day and my year and my life. Sometimes I wonder if God hired the wrong girl for the job. When I look at the stuff on my plate right now, I realize that I am hopelessly unqualified and I then I end up swimming in the dark depths of my own inadequacies.
As I went to sleep last night, I kept reciting the verse from Jeremiah 32 over and over again, “I will not stop following after you to do you good. I will not stop following after you to do you good. I will. Not. Stop. Following after you to do you good.” Over and over and over until it became like the beeping of a heart monitor, pulsing low and steady in my spirit, keeping me tethered to the life support of His Word which is sometimes our only hope.
This morning I woke up late, but…new. As soon as I opened my eyes I felt it: new mercy. New hope. Fresh air for a fresh day. Out of a Lamentations night came a Genesis morning. I don’t necessarily feel like dancing, but I do feel at rest. At peace. I know that somewhere between despair and daylight, His goodness caught up with me.
Most of us face a few giants on any given day, and some seasons in life are just teeming with them. Giants on every chair, in every field, under every table. Most people I know are either very aware that they are inadequate for the fight ahead or they are about to find out. I don’t think God made us strong enough to tackle the Big Ones without Him.
If only this was 1997, I could give you all the answers because that’s when I had them. Today, however, I know that I have no magic pill (clearly, or this blog post would be titled, “The Things that Just Can’t Break us. Ever.”). But I do know this: He is following you. Look in the rearview and you might catch a glimpse of His headlights. He goes before us and He also follows behind…not to lead us away from the bad days, but to put us back together when the pieces start to fall. To hold us close when the tears won’t stop. And to remind us that His goodness, ultimately, is everything. It’s all that’s really real in the temporary world we call home.
Praying for New Mercies and the outline of God in your rearview mirror today, friend.