How to Help when the Holidays Hurt

Do you know someone who is hurting this Christmas?  It probably doesn’t take much thinking to come up with a couple of names of people who lost loved ones, endured a financial crisis, a health crisis or a relational breakdown.   For the brokenhearted, Christmas is a two-edged sword bringing happy memories and sad realities, warm traditions and new challenges.  Sometimes Christmas reveals a gaping hole where all our happy expectations used to live.

If you can think of one or two or twelve people who are enduring hardship this year, here are a couple of things that you can do to help (mostly stolen from my actual life and the incredible friends who have offered these kindnesses to me when I was reeling):

1.  Time.  There’s really nothing like giving the gift of a little time.  Make a phone call, send an email, drop a note.  Let your friend know that they are not alone.  Please don’t be offended if they don’t pick up their phone – leave a lovely message and here’s a tip:  the most freeing thing anyone can say to me in a phone message is “You don’t need to call me back unless you want to – I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you today.”  Likewise, they  may not have the time or emotional energy to answer an email.  Just know that it really does matter to know that someone took the time to care.

2.  Here’s a big one:  food.  Drop off a meal or dessert.  Take it a big, beautiful step further by delivering it in containers that do not have to be returned and include a card that says, “No thank you note necessary!”  Sometimes all the helpful and wonderful things that people do make me feel like I need to respond a certain way and then that becomes a whole separate to-do list in a season when I already feel overwhelmed.  But an extra plate of cookies or a batch of warm soup during the holidays takes something off the to-do list and that is a great gift indeed.

3.  Offer to pick up gifts and bring them back wrapped up pretty.

4.  For single moms or people dealing with illness or injury, the idea of setting up a Christmas tree can be the very thing that sinks their battleship.  Offer to help set it up or – better yet – take it down (now that is a TRUE friend.)

5.  Personal shopper services.  When our crisis hit, so did an aversion to stores (especially in the beginning months when the grief was still so fresh).  A few of my friends have saved my sanity by doing Costco runs for me or dropping off things that they know we like and need (the big Starbucks bag of coffee, for instance).  At Christmas, the shopping lists seem endless – especially for parents who are trying to make dreams come true for little ones.  I honestly can’t imagine a better gift at the holidays than having someone willing to brave the Target parking lot for me (and by the way – my shopping is done, and my holiday is very happy so this is list not a desperate cry for help!)

6.  Light up their world by offering to hang some Christmas lights on their house (another chore that tends to take a distant back seat to other things during a crisis, but it also adds much-welcome cheer to the season.)

7.  For single moms or parents taking care of a spouse or a parent, offer to take their children to a movie or out for pizza or have them over for game night.  Having a little quiet time and space is a treasure for those who are processing a lot of emotions.

8.  Give the gift of memories.  A framed photo of a lost loved one or a shared story in an email can help someone grieving know that they are not alone and that they have permission to talk about the one that they love and miss.

9.  Bottom line:  crises are usually expensive.  If your friend is going through something that is draining their resources, a gift card to help out with their Christmas shopping will be like cool water on a hot day.

10.  Christmas dinner delivery – take a pre-cooked, pre-sliced turkey dinner to your friend (let her know ahead of time so she can relax and not worry about cooking), or include her in your Christmas dinner.

11.  Escape basket:  make a basket with a fun movie, popcorn and chocolate (I would have said Twinkies before that fateful day when the Twinkie factory closed) so your friend can enjoy a couple of hours in an unrealistically happy world.  Here’s a real life example, shipped to my door from my best friend in Sacramento:

12.  If your friend is alone, you can give her the gift of family by including her in a movie night or a cookie baking morning.

13. Be creative and follow your heart.  If you suspect something might be a blessing to a friend in deep water, you’re probably right.

Okay, what did I miss?  What are the best things that people have done for you when you needed a little extra help?  Together, I bet we can make a great list!

Learning to Lean on Friends,

Bo