Volumes and volumes could be written on the stuff about which I know nothing. For these things I have no answers. No solutions. No good ideas.
Today, however, I’m writing about something I know. I know it like I know my birthday. Like I know the sound my son’s bedroom door makes when he squeaks it open in the morning. I know this through practice, practice, practice and I realized today that it’s nearly become an auto-skill for me. The subject is: how to deal with discouragement. Sometimes I write about it and let you know that I’m in it. Mostly, though, I just work through it. I don’t want to get stuck in the dark places, but in this season of my life it seems that discouragement lurks around nearly every corner. It can sneak up on me when I least expect it: in a grocery store, in a meeting at work or just sitting in the quiet of life, contemplating the seen and unseen, the real and imagined. It’s been a trick to learn the tricks, but I do believe that these things work. Usually one works by itself but sometimes it takes all of them together to get me through a storm of sorrow. I have no scientific or psychological evidence to back up my suggestions. The only hard proof I have that these things work is that I’m still standing. Two years and three months in, I’m still standing.
So, when discouragement wants to sink the ship, these are my lifelines:
1. Three essential words: this won’t last. Even the hardest waves only last a day and most last less than thirty minutes (ironically, I learned this trick years ago when trying to survive stomach flu.) Our minds can’t hold onto one emotion indefinitely and as I process through grief or sorrow or anxiety, it subsides and then drifts back out to shore. So in the middle of the onslaught, I just keep reminding myself that the wave is passing over and I am passing through. I’ll be okay on the other side.
2. Find a good anchor (and commit it to memory.) I rely heavily on my faith and so my anchors are almost always scriptures. They are etched into my thinking like tattoos and I say them over and over when I feel discouragement rush in with the tide: “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living…” But I don’t only use scripture. Sometimes I say the words to a song or an old poem or prayer. Whatever makes you feel stronger – make it a part of your automatic response system and then use it to override thoughts of discouragement. (My long list of go-to verses is in included in my book and even if you don’t read anything else, I think that list is worth the price – it’s ammo for the fight!)
3. Get moving. Few things break the grip of discouragement for me like a brisk walk or working out. Endorphins are anxiety-fighting superheroes. The trick about this one, though, is that I am absolutely, 100% positive that it works – and yet I never, ever want to do it when I’m stuck in an emotional ditch. In fact, when life already feels heavy and sad, the idea of putting on running shoes is only slightly more appealing than a root canal. However, when I force myself to get up and get moving, it nearly always works like a dream. I remember one day feeling like the world was caving in and dragging myself up onto that treadmill, literally sobbing while I walked, thinking, “This isn’t working!” But just like clockwork, when I hit the ten minute mark, I felt a fresh surge of energy and with it, new faith, new hope and perhaps even a little something that looked like joy.
4) Control something. I know this sounds crazy, but when I feel discouraged it’s usually because something is outside of my control and that makes me feel helpless, powerless and small. I’ve learned to find things that I can control and the thing that works the best for me is – oddly enough – laundry. I start a load of laundry and I pray as I wash it and dry it and put it away. I watch the stacks of clean clothes take their places in closets and drawers and it’s a measurable achievement. Sometimes I’ll work on the budget or organize closets or plan a month’s worth of menus – anything that has identifiable and positive results. Word of caution: people are not for controlling.
5) This one is more preventative, but still important: identify and eliminate trigger points. Is there music that makes you sad? Certain books or movies that poke at open wounds? Friends who are fun to talk to because they help fan the flames of bitterness, but then you feel worse afterwards than before? Be ruthless with these things and eliminate them from your life. I have learned a healthy respect for my own pain threshold this year. Some people can watch sad love stories; I cannot. Some people can listen to certain music; I cannot. Do you know how I learned these things? The hard way; by swimming around in a pool of murky sadness until I was able to retrace my steps and figure out how I ended up there.
So those are my tried-and-true go-to’s for dealing with discouragement. What works for you?
Believing for Fresh Strength in the New Year,
Bo
very true, and you re right this wont last!! Ill keep telling myself that , today Ive been qouting “His mercy endures forever!” and “His grace is sufficient!! ” very good read today
Sufficient, indeed. Thank you, Cathy!
Ah, Life lines… which can all be done with worship music helping us find our rhythm again! Gonna print this one out. Thanks Bo, for handing us Life and Hope from the trenches.
Jane – music almost made my list but I’m often a silence-only girl so I felt I couldn’t authentically include it. However, I know so many people for whom music IS the exit strategy. 🙂 Hope you’re feeling better, friend!
Thanks for sharing this, Bo. So good!!! I put a link on facebook and within 15 minutes had several friends respond back to let me know how much this post really ministered to them. Thanks for being a Deborah, and to be a leader, not just in your battle, but in MANY battles — it’s fierce and horrible on the front lines, but God has prepared you for such a time as this. Have a VICTORIOUS New Year.
LOVE YA!!!
Love you too, Ann! I am feeling really good about 2013. 🙂
So so perfect for today. The day my little brother starts chemo. http://Www.lanasupdate.blogspot.com. I’m going to get your book for he and his wife. Thank you!!
Holly – thanks for that link. I loved the article you wrote in the paper – do you write elsewhere? I’d love to follow your work.
Thank you Bo…..went to see Les Mis on New Year’s Eve and found myself deluged with surprizing weepy grief for my Dad….could hardly get out of the theater at the end…..kind of embarrassing. Can’t see that one again for awhile…can’t take Mom to it, as good as it is.
Oh, Kim, yes…I originally said that Christmas Day was going to be MY day for Les Mis and…nope. I just couldn’t do it. I knew it would be too sad for me. Now that Christmas is over, I STILL can’t bring myself to go (but I DID go see Jack Reacher which did not make me cry or sad!)
The Lord has given you such a gift, Bo! I appreciate these words today. Thank you.
Thank you, Kelly. 🙂
Bo, Thank you, I appreaciate your gifts of contemplation, articulation and sharing. I found a tickel in the” oddly enough” as I too have spent many days in the laundry room as a way to cope with a difficult or deep pain in my life. I love your writting it out ….sharing your insights for us to find. Thank you for being a couragious woman of the Most High God who by your faith in Him; is a living example of pressing on towards the goal of a life lived out for Christ……
Bless you, Sherry. I hope things are well for you this New Year.
Just sent this blog to a dear one who was discouraged today. As always, your timing is impeccable.
Happy New Year friend, we’ve got this one…or I should say “God has this one and we are sticking together!”
Yes, Nita – I agree. He’s got it and I’m sticking with Him! Thanks for your encouragement.
Great suggestions! I understand that about how sometimes one or two work and sometimes it takes all of them. The hard part for me is even remembering them when I’m in that pit but it’s getting better. Thanks for sharing this.
Oh gosh, Ann, I agree! There are days when I feel like even if I knew the answers, they would never work for me. But these five things have come through for me so often that using them is becoming something like pulling the rip cord on the parachute. Practice makes better. 🙂
Excellent, candid writing!! Love the opening like mad where you offer up what you know that you know that you know… it parallels our very gift to the world as Dr Wayne Kadeiro spoke… ‘Let me spare you some pain; let me share my story and what I have learned from my journey, pressing every disciple to share that book, write that song, paint that painting rather than sending books and poems unwritten to the grave.’ We are His legacy which is something I have had the had the honor of watching you, friend take fiercely seriously.
Thank you so much, dear Andrea. That’s a beautiful quote.
Thanks Bo, you don’t know how much I needed to hear that today! God bless you in the new year!
I’m so glad it blessed you, Carlene.
This is so good Bo – and so practical! Sharing it with my mom today. x
Aw man, Adriel – I’m so sad for your mom! We made a meal train for them today and it was filled in a whisper of a second – that’s how much we all love your mom. 😉
I can NOT say how relieved I was to come across this post, as my dearest friend is dealing with an onslaught of discouragement. I sent it to her before even reading it! As a matter of fact, I have a handful of people I can send this to who are dealing with different levels of discouragement.
Love you, Dear Friend!
Thanks, Ang – I think women especially appreciate a good, solid “do this” list. 🙂 Love you!
You always say and explain what a person goes through. I have a problem with Saturdays. Why? I don’t really know, but I do know that I always feel depressed on that day. I have discovered though, that if I make plans for that day, the depressed feeling doesn’t materialize. I’ve tried to figure out why this Saturday depression, and I haven’t been able to come up with an answer as yet. I know that God has the answer for me, and when I get really serious about finding out, He will tell me. Isn’t that great? I love the Lord so much for all the ways He fills in the empty spots in our lives. Keep writing as you do, Bo – you encourage so many people. It’s a gift from God, and I’m so proud of you that you use it for His glory. Have a GREAT year! I still believe in miracles!
Thanks so much, Mom Stern. I wonder if Saturdays might be hard because of all the years you spent them getting ready for Sunday? Just thinking on that one because it’s intriguing to me. I am believing for a beautiful year.
Mmm! Amen Bo! Thanks for sharing your ammo for the battle with us. I love to blast this song and even yell out the bridge of this song in my ditches of discouragement. “I may be weak, but your Spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God you never will!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8
5 is a huge one for me. Especially music. In my “sadder” days (a.k.a., the days where I was living without Christ) I would turn on this certain music and wallow in self-pity and, as you said, murky sadness. I turned off the CD and started living for Christ. Now I can turn on the same music and listen to it for the beauty that it is and remind myself that I will never be there again!
“This won’t last.” I am a strong believer, have a close relationship with the Lord and yet I think this past year and looking like the beginnings of this one has been the most difficult in my life. (I’m 45) I know all about focusing on the positive and speaking scripture, I was in ft ministry for a while so I know the cliches and great sayings. I am just in a really hard spot in my life. I appreciate your sharing Bo. I know most things won’t last long and this too shal pass, but some things don’t right away. The this too shal pass can be 5 or 10 years away. I can rely on grace for the day but some days I have just had it. I have cried, prayed, sat quietly before the Lord, had friends pray and this “thing” in my life is letting me know it is still brooding, looming and it is awful. Any prayers would be appreciated. Thanks for your heart Bo.
Thanks for commenting, Kristine – I totally agree, some battles are long and sustained. That’s how I have to view our battle with ALS – it’s a marathon, not a sprint, but within the long haul of grief are some waves that are more fierce than the rest – those are the ones that I just try to ride out, knowing that while the battle rages on, I made it through another big assault. I am praying for you right this minute – that Jesus will meet you in your weariness and will breathe fresh life and new hope. Bless you, sister.
My sister, my friend, thank you….
Dirt therapy! Working in my flowerbeds. Walking . . . outside. Both help me to “be still and know that He is God.”