As we’ve been preparing for the upcoming release of my book, I’ve been doing something I’ve never done before: answering interview questions. My publicist sent me a long list of creative questions that will be used by radio interviewers who know nothing about me or my story.
Let me tell you: authenticity is a harder trick than I ever imagined. The temptation to sparkle is so great and ways to justify it abound. “This is God’s book and His message, so I really need to work hard to make sure people want to read it.” “This story honors Steve, so I really want it to be successful….for him.” A million variations on these themes exist, each one sounding more noble than the next. The current publishing landscape is such that you feel pushed to do it. They say without self-promotion your book is dead on arrival. They say that it doesn’t matter how well you wrote it, if you can’t make it – and yourself – stand out from the stampeding crowd of new authors, you might as well spend your writing time filling out applications at Starbucks, because you’re never going to write books for a living.
It all makes sense. Except for John the Baptist.
No matter how I try to wrangle these new-world concepts together into a right-sounding argument, no matter how much I want to believe that it’s necessary for me to increase in order for Him to increase, John the Baptist (and Elijah and Elisha and Hosea and Habakkuk) simply won’t allow it.
He must increase; I must decrease.
He is at His biggest when I am at my smallest.
A couple of years ago, through a lot of intense conversations with God, I identified this gaping need in my soul to be liked. The result was a paralyzing fear of mistake-making that kept me trapped on the other side of God’s dreams for my life. With His help, I flipped a switch in my life from Being Liked to Living Loved and that is the change that changed everything. It changed my motivation and my response to criticism and my response to compliments. It changed my plans and my words and the way I celebrate the success of others. It really did a number on the Bo I used to be and I like this new real one so much better.
This dance with increase and decrease has tugged on some old strings of insecurity and has reminded me: I don’t want to go back to living to be liked. I want to lived loved. By Him. By those who know me. And even by me. I am choosing – in the words of Ann Voskamp – to die to all ladders. I am not going to live on the wobbly rungs of Being Liked or Getting Big. There’s too much beauty to be found in the place where He is everything.
So, I am embracing certain parts of the get-the-word-out endeavor. We will have a (very fun!) pre-release party here on the blog. I will answer the questions put to me with honesty and as much authenticity as my little heart can muster. I want many to find help and hope through this book and so I will work to introduce it to the world like I would a good friend. But I will live in the awareness that this little light of mine is…little. And that’s okay.
I hope these raw thoughts from my morning are somehow helpful to you, too (or I just wasted your reading time and that is not good for selling books! Heh.) Maybe you’re not dealing with insecurity caused by a book release but I bet there’s something that tempts you to work extra hard for the approval of another human. It’s exhausting to live in a land where your best foot is always forward. Let’s instead make our homes next to the God who loves both feet.
Looking toward a merry Monday,
Bo
P.S. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the need for approval – most especially I wonder if men struggle with this to the same degree that women do. Can someone enlighten me?
It’s like you walked in to my living room, handed me a cup of coffee, and had a talk with me. The spirit has had his finger on this note in my heart for a long time I guess. I just didn’t really hear it till now. Thank you Bo!
Thank you, Jeni – I’m so glad you stopped by. I keep trying to figure out how to get my blog to dispense coffee – still working on it!
I constantly feel the need from approval, but from my husband, family, friends, but most of all my stepson and his wife, I so badly want them to accept me and like me, I guess if they did that, they would come around more often and that would mean we would get to see our grandson more and that my husband would be happier as well, he has two beautiful daughters, but not knowing your son until he was 21 and hardly seeing him because the other side has filled his head with evilness is very painful, especially knowing that some of that evilness was directly towards me. I need to remember God is in control and He will restore this family, relationship and He above all esle will reveal the truth to them. Thank you for your blog, for being real and for sharing. I look forward to your book and the study we will begin in March at New life Canby Foursquare.
Heidi
Heidi, your thoughts are beautiful in their realness. You are too. Much love to you.
Very timely and affirming. I’m never surprised but always amazed by how God uses others to deliver at just the right time. Thank you.
You’re welcome, sweet Carol-friend!
This has allways been my life even today I struggle with the idea of being real with you, perhaps you might not like me or want to be liked by me. Perhaps I’m to offensive what will they say, these questions haunt my every being so much so it often destroys relationships. I know god made me and that needs to be the period before all thoughts, somehow I let it rule me. My husband even gets the brute end because his beautiful comments are met with a yeah right or whatever. Thank you just seems so blah but it’s all I have. As a passionate person about Christ I forget to meet him right where I AM. In my confused over thinking, worrisome, self inflicting absorbed place. Sad that I know my king just shake his head and in that moment comforts me with its not about you. Because when it’s not about me it’s just easier. Bo you’ve been given an amazing talent of words and an audience that adores you, god couldn’t be happier.
Thank you, friend. I totally relate to the idea that our husbands get the brute end of our insecurity – totally. My husband would be too sweet to say it, but he would agree too. We’re all learning and growing in this. You are loved, woman of God – you really, really are.
This has me written all over it. I constantly feel like I am “on” when I’m around other people, trying to be the person everyone will like. I always feel like others are looking down on me because of my small opinion of myself. Knowing God’s love is my redeeming factor. I just want to know I have pleased Him.
As far as your interviews, tho, I think every interviewer should have your blog address to see how other people feel about you, your message, your battle, and how faithfully you give thanks and glory to God who sustains you. That speaks volumes.
Love you Bo.
Thank you, Tammy. You never fail to encourage me and that is an enormous and beautiful gift. Never doubt how much He has placed inside of you. Love to you.
I sat in a sermon yesterday titled, “God Give Us More Wilderness Criers”… After reading this, I wish I would have had you tucked next to me during that message on John. Pastor Fragga raved about how John never read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, that the truth comes with sticking points rather than warm fuzzes, but that John and Paul brought truth none the less. They flat didn’t care about what the masses thought of them, but they cared everything about what God thought, and what the masses thought about God. I am realizing the more my journey progresses that to leave this world having “tickled ears” as mentioned in 2 Timothy: 4 would be to miserably fail God. It’s not always popular and will not always leave us well-liked, but from all I can tell you are both liked, loved, and have a real following, so go make Him famous, friend. Your obedience to write His book was plenty, now step aside and let Him show up and SHOW OFF for you, because it pleases and glorifies Him. He will hustle and give you His words for any interview thrown your way. You know He is neat like that….. xo
Thank you, Andrea. I’m counting on His hustle…because I think I lost mine in the early 90′s.
“But I will live in the awareness that this little light of mine is…little.”
Oi vey. Well this hits home, as of late. With the move on the way I’ve been thinking more and more about the relationships to be built up when we’ve settled in Bend; some are familial, some are old friendships, and I know God is going to create some new ones. It’d be great to leave it at those three groups of relationships, but there is this whole other slew of people that I might bump into anywhere in Bend because that’s the place for it, just ask Casey. Here in Boise it has been primarily only new relationships and thoughts and opinions to deal with, but moving home, that’s a bit scarier to me than it was to leave home, honestly. I’m not about to quote Luke 4:24 on the whole, “A prophet is not received in his hometown.” I’m just dealing with a bit (or a lot) of insecurity about facing people who have known me for a long time; people who have witnessed me at my worst. When I start to become disenheartened over the whole matter, I have lately been remembering the comforting words of 1 Thessalonians 4:9-12 which are:
“Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. 10 And in fact, you do love all of God’s family throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers and sisters, to do so more and more, 11 and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, 12 so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”
When we come to Bend we’re doing so because the God of perfect love which covers a multitude of sins and never fails has directed our path so. It’s not to prove anything or make any personal statement other than one of obedience to the God who is worthy. It’s not to be the very best people with the very best dog (although we think he is) who have the very best stuff who are helping further the very best church with the very best talent in the very best town (although, it arguably is so) while wearing the very best clothes and working the very best jobs and so on and so forth. We are excited to shine our little lights in Bend the way that He commands us to, to not worry about who is on the left or the right of us or that they may be worrying about us, to love God and love people and love the life He’s given us to live. When I think that way, I’m less dependent on the opinions of others and more dependent upon His truth for the new season and I’m gald for that.
Sorry for being so wordy; being pithy has never worked well with me.
Lorelei – I have no doubt that He has gone before you (is it like “re-before you” since you lived here first?) and is making every way straight. Your life clearly shines. Clearly. All who knew you will most certainly know it. Steve & I can’t wait to enjoy coffee or food or some wonderful culinary something with you and Trey.
I do believe the right term would be “re-before” me… feels right:) We are excited to spend some time with you and Steve and even more so now that I have procured a twinkie cupcake recipe that is supposed to be a dead ringer for the real and now non-existant original.
Selah……beautifully written!
Thank you, Kristine.
I can’t wait to see the quizzical looks on the faces of your PR people as you balance this off:)
Here’s one mans perspective, as you asked:
After spending 20 years as an employee in the insurance industry, God started me down the path to knowing Him. As is His way, and because He knew I’d be a tough nut to crack, He placed in me a boldness to do things I had never done (like public speaking) and put me in circumstances where I had to come up with answers, in front of VERY smart people, on the spot. The result was a 10 year journey, prior to my diagnosis of ALS, which had me working with, even being sought out by, PhD’s from Harvard, Wall Street types and even a group of African American Pastors and Bishops.
It didnt take long for me to start believing I was pretty hot stuff – and if you asked me I would have gladly told you. It wasn’t until my diagnosis and my rebirth in Him, that the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place. As my voice became more slurred, and soon unintelligible, the clients who were all slapping me on the back and singing my praises gradually faded away. I had no value to them if I couldn’t make them money. It was that humbling realization (as if ALS isn’t humbling enough) that made me realize that it was never ME who was impressing these people, it was the gifts He blessed me with and the 10 year path He walked me through to say to me (and for me to accept): “I made you, I love you, you were made to walk through this fire and I’ll be with you at every step, just as I’ve been in the past.”
I wish I had known the John the Baptist balance you speak of in this piece when I was still in the world of business. I would have saved a lot of time and energy stressing about who I needed to bump chests with next and probably would have shined some light in very dark places. As it is, He’s brought me to where I am and I THINK I’m starting to see His purpose. Oh yeah…He’s taught me patience too. So we’ll just sit and wait:)
Big Love from the Right Coast,
JAG
So good, John – I love how your light shines in the darkest disease. It is bright and brilliant. I can see it all the way over on the left coast!
Bo-
I’m amazed at how others see us so differently then we see ourselves! We are so hard on ourselves and there are people who love us without our knowledge or efforts!
God lovingly and firmly counseled me and revealed to me that my source of validation was coming from the approval of others. And with his power not mine lifted a huge weight from my shoulders . This was at a cost of rejection , feeling alone and not having anyone who cared or wanted to hear my troubles but what God did was showed me that he is my validation , my identity, my approval, savior, counselor , source. It is by his measure not ours! Nobody else can love me or care for me like him. If we could just see ourselves the way he sees us and love ourselves through his eyes we wouldn’t have that internal need to be liked. Every time I go to him , leave it at his feet , honor him he honors me. I wonder if this will always be a battle or if it well ever be a full victory.
It is encouraging to know that others struggles are not so far from our own. I always think of Paul talking about struggles and advice to press on! My boy who is nine once told me when I had lost a friendship that God removes bad friends from your life to make room for those who are good friends!
God does remove people from our lives for our own safety.
What a wise young man!
Bo you have such a huge fan base and those that have ever heard your heart know that you give God all the glory and love you and what’s in your heart. Those that don’t (if that’s possible) don’t know what they are missing or are currently on a different path. How can your book be dead when it has so much of Gods living word.
Love you Bo
Kathy – I love what you said about Him being our “approval”. Once I got a critical note from someone about the pitch of my voice. I sunk into the depths of that note for days…and I kept trying to remind myself of all the times that people have told me they liked hearing me speak. I remember so clearly when it dawned on me: even a HERD of compliments can cure the sting of one criticism…that’s why my identity has to be planted firmly and only in His approval. He is enough. Thanks so much for sharing your lovely thoughts.
(I love your voice, Bo. I’d walk a mile to hear you speak. Maybe two miles!)
My connection to you is Connie Stych and because she shared who you are to me, reading your blog makes me feel connected to her since her death. She was my wisdom and my goto during struggles. A recent struggle is exactly what you describe and I never saw this in me before these last few weeks. I am driven by, most if not all of my mistakes are from, wanting to be liked. Please share more as I am apparently in the beginning phase of just identification. THIS is why I made all those bad choices. Now I see it in every adult relationship I have, I back peddle all the time to just be liked or I do everything in my ministry so that other leaders won’t leave. But if I do it all, I burn out and they don’t learn how to be leaders. I bend over backwards for people in hopes they will be my friend. I see it clouds my judgement on who God wants to be my friend. I’m to busy trying to force stuff and then getting hurt when they don’t reciprocate. Anyways, I appreciate your struggle and thankful you shared.
Oh, Melissa – I still think of Connie with such affection. I’m so glad my blog can be a blessing to you. I am so familiar with the back peddling of which you speak. So familiar! Bless you as you move fully into living loved by Him…I’m still working on it too.
This is not limited to women
I have the same fears of being not liked. I just made a post on my blog today on this same idea but having to do more with my family and wanting them to like and accept me.
I don’t know what your situation is, but I am certain that my former husband has ruined more relationships by trying to win approval from EVERYONE. It falls in line with not being able to serve two masters. As a woman (and a former wife), we look for our man to know what is important to him and to live it out. Not to live what is important to everyone else. In doing that, you become diluted and distracted. Blessings to you as you understand God’s will for YOUR life.
Thanks for sharing! Good to hear from the other side of the gender fence.
That is a refreshing message, and I’m so glad you shared it. That message gives us freedom to be who we are, and enjoy who we are! I think I discovered it a few years back. Well, I know exactly when I discovered it. When I went through my terrible divorce, I recognized that my friendships were exhausting me during a time that I had no energy to give anyone. It was like a brick hit me on the head. Why were some of these friends so hard? I wasn’t in a position to return a phone call, cut up carrots for a healthy meal for my children, to offer explanations, let alone be depended on to assure a friend that they were important to me. Until then, I think I may have maintained a friendship in the name of “giving”. I think I was confused with, “It is better to give than receive.” I considered giving to be godly. But it was blurred and the motivation wasn’t clear. When I didn’t have the strength give, or to hold it together for others any longer, I lost friends. In their absence, I discovered I wasn’t loved. Where were they? How had this situation caused “friends” to abandon me? How had the uglies of my personality that came out been more ugly or distasteful than their commitment to me? As much as I was sad, I suddenly didn’t care. I knew the only person from whom I needed love and approval was Jesus. In all the ugliness, my reactions to being hurt, my lashing out at even Him, He remained true to me. His word said so, and His miracles proved so. It was His approval I sought and would seek. I had energy for my father in Heaven who was standing by me. I became more of me, and I discovered new friendships. Friendships who didn’t need me to hold them up, and wasn’t dependent on me having a good day. I do mourn the loss of a few of those friendships. I do still wonder at what point things went wrong. But I don’t place blame on anyone. It’s just what it was, and in those moments, I couldn’t offer anything else, or differently. And in the process, God brought people into my life who connected with me on a sincere level, without me having to work to hold the relationship together. Friendships where I didn’t walk away thinking, “This friendship doesn’t feel good.”
And in saying this, I’ve always valued a person who is genuine, over a person who is nice. One of the friends who left our relationship was one of those… more genuine than nice. She can be harsh. Another friend who knew I was friends with “Harsh” friend said to me, “Do you know that others kind of think so and so is kind of harsh? She’s not very warm and fuzzy.” I think she couldn’t understand why we were friends. I remember processing this as I formulated a response. I said, “I do know that about her, and I see it. But you know, she’s so genuine! That’s what I like about her.” I’m not sure why that friendship fizzled, but I still like that about her, and anyone else I call friend.
Joni, “genuine” versus “nice” is an interesting distinction. I think women are often taught to be nice first….even at the expense of honesty. Some of that is good…until it’s not.
Bo,
Releasing a memoir next month and dealing with SO MANY feelings, insecurities, and temptations! But the whole point of my book is to help others who have lost a child. So how does it so quickly become “all about me?” 
Thank you SO much for writing this! I am in a similar boat, but on a smaller scale.
I loved the part where you talk about being okay with your little light being little. That’s beautiful. If all I do is self-publish my little memoir, and only my mom and dad and best friend read it, I will be a success if it brings honor to the Lord. THAT IS my goal. Thanks for helping me re-focus!
SO freeing. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Blessings! Can’t wait to read your book.
Steph
Steph – thank you for sharing – glad to share the boat with you! Share a link to your book here on the blog when it comes out.
Thank you, Bo. You are too kind!
- S
I’ve wrestled through these same thoughts. God’s ways are so different than man’s. So much of the Christian world is commercialized and driven by money and self-centered planning (for the sake of “impact” and “influence” for God, right?). Yet I think of how Jesus was born and how He lived. His over-the-top simplicity that has blown-away cultures all over the world for over 2,000 years.
Yet God also says we need to work hard like the ant. We need to be diligent. We need to understand the times that we live in and the ways of our modern technology.
It’s tricky, but God will help you to navigate the new waters. (Very excited about your new book!!!)