Tess and I have been felled by a flu bug this week which has drained me physically. Bigger than that, Steve has had a very weak few days and it has taken its toll on us both emotionally. I was out of strength, bent with sadness, and so I gave up.
Have you ever called a temporary halt to the proceedings of your life? Ever waved your arms at God to get His attention and then demonstrated the international sign for “I can’t breathe here“?
I’m learning that I’m a next-season girl. If I don’t like the one I’m in, I am pretty good at looking ahead to the next one. Summer too hot? Fall is coming and it’ll be all red and gold and crunchy leaves. Leaves are gone? Make some hot chocolate and imagine the snow on the trees. Snow getting old and slippery and grey? Those bulbs are even now pushing their way through the frosty soil. I am conditioned to believe that the next season will always be better.
But I’m coming to terms (slowly and painfully) with the fact that, unless God intervenes, this season is not going to be changing any time soon. That’s what I was figuring out in my brain this morning as I simultaneously gave up and tried to find a reason not to give up.
We have a window high up in our bathroom, near the ceiling. When I looked up, I could see the stark outline of barren branches against a sparkling blue sky. It was a sky the shade of blue that only happens on a cold, clear day in Central Oregon. I love that sky and today it sparked me into survival mode.
So what does a girl do who is trying to build a home on a battlefield? Well, I’ll tell you what: she finds the sun. She stands in it and breathes it in and remembers the scent of spring. She cries with her coworkers who pray deep prayers and cry alongside. She lets the scary truth out of her heart and into the atmosphere where her friends can help her see if it’s really true or not.
And then she goes home and watches West Wing with the two guys she loves most in this entire world.
And she remembers…spring is not just a season; it’s a decision. And so she chooses.
She chooses spring.
P.S. I really am supposed to be telling you that my book is coming out – but, seriously, is it possible that you don’t know that by this point? Of course you do. So, I’m going back to enjoying the sun and I suggest you do the same. Life is too short to miss out on a sparkly day.