Today, I gave up. I told God this morning (for the bamillionth time) that He had overestimated me. I am not strong. I am not brave. I am not inspirational.
Tess and I have been felled by a flu bug this week which has drained me physically. Bigger than that, Steve has had a very weak few days and it has taken its toll on us both emotionally. I was out of strength, bent with sadness, and so I gave up.
Have you ever called a temporary halt to the proceedings of your life? Ever waved your arms at God to get His attention and then demonstrated the international sign for “I can’t breathe here“?
I’m learning that I’m a next-season girl. If I don’t like the one I’m in, I am pretty good at looking ahead to the next one. Summer too hot? Fall is coming and it’ll be all red and gold and crunchy leaves. Leaves are gone? Make some hot chocolate and imagine the snow on the trees. Snow getting old and slippery and grey? Those bulbs are even now pushing their way through the frosty soil. I am conditioned to believe that the next season will always be better.
But I’m coming to terms (slowly and painfully) with the fact that, unless God intervenes, this season is not going to be changing any time soon. That’s what I was figuring out in my brain this morning as I simultaneously gave up and tried to find a reason not to give up.
We have a window high up in our bathroom, near the ceiling. When I looked up, I could see the stark outline of barren branches against a sparkling blue sky. It was a sky the shade of blue that only happens on a cold, clear day in Central Oregon. I love that sky and today it sparked me into survival mode.
So what does a girl do who is trying to build a home on a battlefield? Well, I’ll tell you what: she finds the sun. She stands in it and breathes it in and remembers the scent of spring. She cries with her coworkers who pray deep prayers and cry alongside. She lets the scary truth out of her heart and into the atmosphere where her friends can help her see if it’s really true or not.
And then she goes home and watches West Wing with the two guys she loves most in this entire world.
And she remembers…spring is not just a season; it’s a decision. And so she chooses.
She chooses spring.
With hope,
Bo
P.S. I really am supposed to be telling you that my book is coming out – but, seriously, is it possible that you don’t know that by this point? Of course you do. So, I’m going back to enjoying the sun and I suggest you do the same. Life is too short to miss out on a sparkly day.
MY HEART CRIED OUT TO OUR GOD ON YOUR AND STEVE’S BEHALF AS I READ YOUR POST. I understand days like that, when everything seems more than you can bear. But, “He giveth more grace, when the burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength when the day is half through. Through added afflictions He addeth His mercy, through multiplied sorrow, His multiplied peace. His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His love has no boundary known unto man. For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, , He giveth, and He giveth, and He giveth again.” Do you remember that song? It just came to me as I sat here writing to you . God is SO GOOD, and He loves you SO MUCH, and so do I. Be blessed today
Eleanor Stern, you are so beautiful. As I heard about Paul’s homecoming today, you have been in the forefront of my heart. Then to read these recent sweet words you wrote to Bo, to comfort her, just blessed me. Thank you for your and Paul’s life, lived constantly for others. May The Lord comfort you in this season of grieving, not as the world does, but as a loving wife who will miss her beloved sweetheart. Blessings and GRACE to you from the Dunagan family.
So I’m sitting at my desk at work, reading your post and just burst into tears. Not something I care to do in public, but this time I didn’t care. I soooo feel for you and steve. I love you both, of course. ~ you’re my family! But I also can completely feel what you’re feeling. Twice in my life I’ve looked for the next season, just praying intently that God would get me through the current one in one piece. But I can say without hesitation, that He got me through it and I came out so much more blessed. It was beyond my wildest dreams. Breathe, Bo. Just take deep deep breaths and you’ll feel God breathing with you. Hugging you both – virtually!
I also cried as I read your post, but as I was out early this morning,the sun peaking out and the sliver of the moon really brought so many things into perspective ,that it is another beautiful Day that He has given me…so I too must choose how I will serve and Love Him today!!! Some days I know are harder than others, but I do know too that He will bring you through some of the days we think are the worst!! Love your family and continue praying for all!!!!!
This is so beautiful, and so true, Bo! Thank you for being real. I will be praying for you and Steve today. For extra grace to walk this journey.
Blessings,
Steph
You guys were heavy on my heart this morning as I spent time with God on the way to work and as I prayed the Holy Spirit kept intertwining these two phrases; 1) My very best for the Stern family in this season and 2) Isaiah 55:9 My ways are higher and beyond human perception. Praying for you guys and for healing and for His absolute very best to wrap around and comfort you always.
“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
Eph 3:20-21
Bo, Your comments resonated with me as my son has already been in the hospital three weeks this year. I am worn out and tired of this journey that should have been over by now, life back to normal. The book says the first year is the hardest but what about when you are into the second year and it is getting worse? God is teaching me to walk with Him, day by day, to live fully in each moment, because I may not have a tomorrow with my son and if I do, tomorrow may actually be more difficult and challenging than today.
Our walks are different but similar. I understand your weariness in the battle but am humbled by your honesty. Praying that you will find strength and beauty in the season, in the journey today and can live fully and love radically those God has placed in your life.
Blessings to your family
Lori
Very Good read, and it was like reading what was in my mind in print!! With all these things going through the past four years of husbands unemployment , so many times I was at that place throwing up my hands and waving them in the air, and say “I have nothing left!!!” Actually I was like that this week , SAy ing”God in every way I am so tired!” Im not giving up Im just tired!!!”
But you are right, unless God intervenes I wont see change, I need the intervention of God!! Heres to seeing the Sun!
A description exactly of my day yesterday. The weight, suffocating as can be, and then the light, look for the light.
Thank you Bo for the reminder.
Thank-you for inspiring me today with your transparency, faith, and so much more.
I love you “aunt boe!”
Just want you to know how much I love your blogs and the first chapter of your book, can,t wait to recieve it in the mail. I wish I had better words to express how deeply your words touch my heart. We are thinking of you and your family and praying for you. Blessings !
Bo, your words for this day just fit. You’ve reminded me of an old (but beautiful) song by Out of the Grey, Dreaming of April. But, as you said, what does one look forward to when it seems the worst is yet to come?
It occurred to me this morning that my own “worst” is yet to come. This past year has been full to the brim with sorrow for my family and I too, have given up many times. How sweet to remember that Jesus walks with us, that His strength is greatest in us, in this area of extreme weakness.
Praying with you,
Marci
I also wish that I had better words to express how deeply your words touch the depth of my soul. Your words have opened up many conversations between my daughter, (Kristen ) & myself and countless others. Your heartfelt honesty is a gift to all of us.
There is always more room for sparkle in the world. If only everyone took the time to look up and see what God has given us to enjoy! 🙂
I love you Bo. The Stern family is a treasure to me and so many others. Praying.