Ready for some gut-level honesty?
Here goes…
Yesterday, I woke up and did an interview for Moody radio about my book, Ruthless. The amazing host asked me about the importance of sticking to wedding vows, even when it’s difficult. I agreed and expressed my gratitude for this season in our lives, for being the wife to a husband who is filled with purpose, but needs a lot of help to live that purpose out physically. And I meant it. After the interview, I fed my husband through the feeding tube and was SO thankful that it was available and that it’s working for him. And I meant it. I thought about the mini-date we had planned for later in the morning; our first time out of the house post-surgery, and I said ‘thank You’ to Jesus for making it possible. And I really, really meant it.
Two hours later, scrolling through Instagram I came across a photo from someone I follow but do not know. It doesn’t matter what was in the photo, it only matters when I tell you: I felt a wave of jealousy so sharp and painful that I thought my lungs might burst from the pressure of it. I closed it quickly and tried to move on to something else. Tried to drown out the drowning feeling – but thing is, I’m fasting. And I’ve found that, as I mentioned yesterday, fasting brings your junk to the surface. Fasting also makes you sort of/very/extremely grouchy which means it’s harder to let go of the annoying stuff.
I stopped to try to analyze the mess I was in. The feeding tube that seemed so miraculous before, now seemed like a huge weight of responsibility. The trip to Barnes and Noble felt small and shabby when held up next to the fairytale getaways I was seeing on social media. Bottom line: what I really saw was a big stew of hurt and weariness and sorrow that made everyone else’s life look sweeter and more satisfying than my own. I know in my head that’s not true, but my heart was having trouble getting on the All Things Work Together bandwagon.
I suspect some might be thinking at this point: “Dear Bo, give yourself a break. These feelings are understandable, given your circumstances.” And I would not argue with you, except to say that few things feel more toxic or make me more miserable than jealousy. I hate it, and I don’t want it living in me. Examining this particular moment helped me see how many millions of these moments have sailed by me in the past few years and I have just tucked them away and moved on to something else. I have not dug into the tender ground of my heart to figure out what’s really going on in the places only He can see.
Now I’m catching a glimpse of what’s happening there. This information does not make me angry at myself, it just helps me know what to do next. I don’t need better coping skills or a firmer grasp on the Word of God – I need healing. And, like a child with a wound she’s afraid to let the doctor touch, I have covered this part over with a lot of different, creative-yet-ineffective bandages.
Fasting, I believe, has uncovered the wound. It has laid it open for me to see, so that I could hold it up to the love of the Great Physician. Not just for more comfort, but for real healing. That’s what I want. Because it’s for healing I’m being healed.
I’m not sure how to end this one. I’m not sure my words have done justice to what I see as a pretty major breakthrough in my life. I really am praying for our city and church and neighbors. Not only have I read the Seven prayer card – I wrote it and I care deeply about all the things we are targeting this week in prayer. But I’m telling you, friends: He is at work in me. And I think a healed me will be a gift to my broken neighbors in big ways. As we cover all these other bases in prayer, be prepared for His love to uncover some bases in your life – not because He’s mad at you, but because He loves you too much to let a wound stay hidden.
I wonder if you’re finding this true as well. Is the process of praying for the world outside our window leading to some self-discovery? Are you finding your secrets uncovered in the light of His love? Comments are open.
Uncovered, but safe,
Bo
P.S. Oh, you guys! You WOULDN’T BELIEVE how great Steve is doing post-surgery! He’s gaining weight and feeling better than he has in a long, long time. Thank you so much for praying him through that great big monster of a week. SO worth it!
Thanks again Bo for your absolute honesty of the most intimate areas of your mind and heart. Only that we could all be this honest and set it before all to see. Healing only comes when the Holy Spirit is permitted to surgically open us to reveal our true self. I have had times like this and still need more. Please keep writing about being absolutely honest and intimate with our true self. In society (even in the church world) we seem to be encouraged to wear a mask to protect (hide) the true self. I do give Praise to Jesus for coming into me so that I can have safety in being honest and have confidence to move on in discovery of my true self. I am on a spiritual journey (as you are) and we must continue to look up not just inward. Love and blessings to you and family.
Oh dear Bo! I thank the Lord for your gift of words! Sometimes it is so hard to get past that scraping and cleaning of the wound and have a hope for healing. But that is what I need too…healing! Still praying with love for strength for you and Steve!!
This journey of knowing and being known with the Father, has been years of being made more and more aware of all those bandaged up places that, in order to become authentic and grown up, like a little girl, I must bravely allow The Lord to uncover and attend to in order for healing and wholeness to come. Why do I ever muster up the courage to agree with God about those carefully covered over places? I cannot love nor be loved if I don’t. They serve as barriers that I unknowingly protect because they are painful and they get in the way of ever getting close to the unity and intimacy I am made for with the Father and with the living body of Christ. How brave He makes us when He melts us with His love that tenderly reveals, mercifully heals, then proudly releases to others through us from the compassion that we ourselves received from Him. Steve speaks of a crusade of comfort from the beautiful broken place of total vulnerability and surrender to The Fathers love for him in this season and it is for sure, as we line up with him, everyone of us that can stand with him bear the marks which speak of our having been exposed and healed, helped and forgiven…
What good company you are, Bo. So wise yet so honest….keep it real and be healed and filled with all the good things He has for you. There’s enough good things for us all, no matter the hard all we suffer.
Hugs for your heart!
Celebrating good results with you all!
Love, love, love you.
Jill
Thanks for sharing Bo! I always appreciate the way you share your feelings and twist a lesson in the story….. Especially when that lesson has been a theme in my recent history and I needed to pay attention.
While reading this story, I was reminded of a point you made in a recent message; suffering pushes us closer to our Father. By sharing what brings you pain, I realize I am not alone in feeling discomfort. When you share your trust in the Great Physician, it helps me realize that I am not my own source. And when you write your uncertainty in the “now”, it helps me see I am not a finished product.
This story reminds me of the dichotomy of the Kingdom; as we get closer to the Father, we have greater impact in the world around us.
Thank you for the challenge of seeing the bigger picture; for helping me realize the healing process isn’t just about my life becoming easier.
I pray that you will be blessed and that your life will be a reflection of His love.
Steve is looking good…. I love to see him smile.
Thank you….
I took a deep breath of relief as I read your post. Thank you.
I have suffered some of the same feelings since our son took his own life and could hardly see pictures or hear stories of the daily “perfect things” happening in the life of others. Thank you..
What it does tell me is that healing is taking place, however slow it might be. In one sense I embrace those moments, even though they hurt deeply, because I do see God doing a new work in me. While I feel the pain, He opens my eyes. Thank you.
It’s a new world and a new life, isn’t it? One of deep discoveries and more dependence on Him. Thank you.
I miss my son, and you will miss your husband, but I don’t want to escape the beauty God has placed before me. He is opening my eyes. Thank you, God.
And a heartfelt and sincere greeting to you, my friend. Thank you.
Dear Bo, thank you for your transparency. Thank you for allowing us to walk alongside in the realities of your struggles and breakthroughs.
My prayers continue for you, Steve, and your precious family.
Lisa
Wow, your post hit home for me today. I have a 21 year old, handicapped daughter, and I have struggled with jealousy at times. Thank you for showing me that the Lord wants to heal something in me when this happens. I really appreciate you!
Hi Bo
Thank you for this post. I wanted to tell you Steve’s smile has made me stop and put the pause on what’s received wisdom here – that people with ALS/MND will naturally want not to be resuscitated or to refuse treatment. I wonder whether it’s mine to call.
Lord, let me trust you.
Love
Once again….as many have already said…..thank you for your honesty. I have found myself in that very same place. Life was awesome until I saw someone else’s awesomeness on social media. I always think of Steven Furtick’s line…..One of the reasons we struggle with insecurity is because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes reel with everyone else’s main screen.”
Thanks for being real and getting healed. It encourages all of us to do it too.