Dear friend,

 

I don’t know exactly what drew you to this post, but I’m guessing it was bad news.  Perhaps your spouse was recently given a terminal diagnosis or has been struggling with something chronically debilitating for years.  Maybe you have a friend whose walking a spouse through the Shadowy Valley of illness or injury and you’ve run out of advice or encouragement.  Whatever brought you, I’m glad you’re here.

 

Nearly every day, I receive emails or phone calls from people who are reeling from the shock of their spouse’s diagnosis or suffocating beneath the weight of responsibility they carry as they try to navigate their new role as caregiver while also hoping to hang onto their role as husband or wife.  I wish I could linger over coffee with every person experiencing this – not because I have all the answers, but because I remember the first days so well, wondering if I’d survive and longing for someone who had been there to assure me that I just might. So, here’s what I would say if we could have that coffee:

 

1.  This will be hard.  Really hard.  But you will survive.  You absolutely will.  I don’t even know you and I can already tell you’re a fighter.

 

2.  I don’t know this for sure, but there’s a good chance that no matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you would like to run away. Your heart may want to push away from the seemingly never-ending shores of grief, with a longing for something new and exciting or old and familiar.  You may wish with all your might for what was or you may be filled with the desperate desire for the reassurance that life will still exist when the dust settles.  I don’t know the details of your longings, but hear this and hear it well:  You are not bad for having them. You are normal. You are human. You are heartbroken.  You are not bad.

 

3.  You will need help. Start thinking about how to get it before you’re desperate for it. You will need medical help (caregivers – really, you will and I’ll write a separate post someday to tell you why but for now? Please trust me) and you may also need help with finances, housekeeping, grocery shopping, etc.  It is not weak to need help; it’s wise and strong and a gift to those who long to step in and serve you.  For my money, the most important thing you need right now is a person who will ask for and organize the help you need – a person who is not you.

 

4.  If there’s one determination you could make right now that I think will serve you well for the rest of your battle, it’s this: I will keep my heart soft  for others, for my spouse and for myself.  In doing so, I will keep myself safe from the poison of bitterness.  If there was one more determination you could make (bonus!), it would be: I will take every opportunity to rest or to laugh that comes my way.  

 

5.  When your loved one is on the other side of this illness, you will still have yourself.  You can’t get away from yourself, so try to be fun to be with. Don’t live in regret.  Don’t live in fear. Don’t live victimized.  Live real. Live raw.  Live healthy. Live love.  You can’t go wrong if you remember to keep living.

 

 

So, I guess that’s it.  I mean, it’s not – there are a million other things I would say if I could, but these are the things I most want you to know because they are the things that have saved my life in the hardest and most beautiful season I’ve ever experienced.  I hope they give you hope.

 

You’re my hero,

 

Bo

10 Comments

  1. You’re my hero, too, Bo. Thanks for sharing these words of truth.

  2. You make me brave!!!! Thank you for these words. They are so precious. I am keeping you all in my prayers.
    I know God is smiling because you are using His story in your life to reach out to others. It is a beautiful thing in this brutal battle.

    Thank you BO!!!

  3. My husband was diagnosed with ALS in May of 2014. I have been reading your posts. They really encourage me. The no. 2 item in this post so fits me. It is exactly where I am today. Thanks so much for your posts. I am going to try and follow your advice.

  4. Bo,
    I seen you as you ministered to the
    Ladies at eastside church in prineville
    You so touched my heart..My husband
    who was sick for six years, went to
    Heaven June 17th 2014…
    I still can’t believe it is real.
    My heart goes out to you big time
    & I do pray for you..
    May GOD give you strength for
    each day…
    …Blessings…Susan

  5. Thank you Bo. Good, good words. You’re our hero!

  6. Bo, just wanted to say hi. I have been keeping up on your reports
    regarding Steve. Thank you for sharing your heart and hurts w/the world. Please tell Steve, Tus sends his love/hugs and prayers! Steve and I go way back and have had many greats times together… work/golf/softball/basketball/lunches, etc… I could go on and on. Steve as you well know is a Great/Godly Man!! Again, just wanted to say hi and Thank You for sharing him!
    Please hug and kiss him for me, from his brother!!!
    Tus

  7. Thank you for helping me walk this unexpected journey of caregiving

    Yes it’s painful and it’s hard but you are right it can be beautiful and precious

    Praying for you today

  8. Thanks Bo, my heart sure needed that today.

  9. I am just now catching up here as we have been in the trenches. Yes, yes yes….you nailed it. And once you are on the other side (hubby passed 3weeks ago) you will realize that you really were strong enough, that you could have kept going even longer (after so many times thinking “this is so so hard, how long oh Lord”), and that God makes you brave. It is not the end of the story, just the turning of a page. Your words have helped me greatly during this time, thank you!

  10. Just wondering if you heard the news of sweet Florence Evanow’s passing. Please contact her if you are able.