“Hey sweet friends – could you do happy hour today? I have a big favor to ask.”
I remember the very day I sent the text. I don’t know why it was so hard to do, but it was SO hard to do. Very quickly, Deanna and Gretchen each responded with such happy yes’s that I felt better about the conversation that would take place at my favorite restaurant with my two wonderful friends who I felt were so perfect for the task ahead.
Quick backstory: Two years or so ago, because of changes in Steve’s condition and the need to accommodate a lot of machinery nearby, we moved him into a hospital-type bed in our bedroom and I had a little bed beside him. After sleeping together for almost thirty years, that was a really hard day. But I took solace in the fact that he was still at home and not in a facility and that we were still together, even though our room was nothing like it had ever been. The more ALS took over Steve’s body, the more it took over our room. I eventually moved many of my things to the guest room as closets and dresser drawers began to overflow with medical supplies.
In December, we called in hospice and I knew the end was approaching quickly. That’s when I started thinking about what life would be like without him. There are a myriad of things you cannot know and cannot prepare for ahead of time, but the one thing that kept haunting me was the idea of the Very First Night. No matter how hard I tried, I could not imagine sleeping in our room with Steve’s bed empty. I also couldn’t imagine moving all his stuff out myself. It all just seemed so painful and impossible. That’s when I remembered something I had learned along the ALS road: Fix what you can fix and leave the rest alone. This, I reasoned, was something I could fix. And that brings us to my text to D & G.
They met me for happy hour on a gray spring day and I told them of my fear. And then I made my big ask. They listened and, tears streaming, said, “Absolutely. We can do this.”
On the day Steve died, Whitney made a few important calls and one of them was to Deanna and Gretchen. That phone call launched Operation De-hospitalize Bo’s Bedroom. As I sat and visited with my family and our pastors, my friends arrived and quietly – almost invisibly – began creating a beautiful space for me. I had already purchased a bed which had been waiting in storage and my friends had chosen everything else: sheets, comforter, pretty pillows and throws, a cushy reading chair, fresh flowers in vases, new towels in the bathroom (it was important for me to choose friends whose taste and style I trusted.) They worked a long time, cleaning, decorating, ministering through their gifts. When it was ready, they came and got me and I…gosh, I’m not often without words, but I’m not sure what word to use for what I felt. I looked at that beautiful spa-like retreat and I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God to me through the hands of my friends. I felt peace. I felt security. I felt like maybe creating a life on the other side of ALS was an actual possibility.
27 days later, I can say that every time I go into my bedroom – I mean every single time – I am amazed that I get to live there. It is a haven for me in a difficult world. And it is something that is my very own and I like that. The room that had represented the “us” of Steve and I went away a long time ago, there was nothing I wanted to preserve from the ALS season, so this very fresh, very new start has been one of the most life-giving things anyone has ever done for me.
If you are a friend wondering how to help someone who is in a similar situation, please feel free to send them this post and say: If this is something you’d like to happen, I will help in whatever way I can. If you are someone who is facing the loss of a spouse, feel free to send this post to a friend or two and say: If I give you the money, would you be willing to take this on for me? OR, if you’re more concerned about making the choices yourself, you could buy the things you’ll want and ask a friend to store them for you until the time is right and then with one phone call, they could come in and make all the changes so you don’t have to (I know you hate to ask. I know you feel like you’ve already used up all your favors. I know you’re so tired of being the person who needs help that you’d love to just grit your way through something as personal as this, but please trust me – your friends would love to do this for you.)
I know it’s super weird to put pictures of my bedroom on the internet – but, hey – I’m a renegade like that and these are terrible cell phone pics so it’s almost like not really seeing it at all. Here you go:
Listen, the one thing I know for sure is that I don’t speak for everyone going through sorrow. I don’t even speak for anyone except me – grief is so subjective. Some people may be yelling at their computer right now, “I could never do that! I could never let someone take over such a personal task.” I get it and I respect it. But I do think there are those who have been through a long, hard battle with a sick spouse and they would love to have a fresh, clean space to call their own but are unwilling to ask or maybe even unable to pay for it after all the other luxuries they’ve purchased like medicine and doctor bills and such. My dearest dream is that this post would be a head’s up to the armies of friends out there about creative ways to give hurting people hope on the hard days. Do with it what you will.
With heaps of freshly remodeled hope,
Bo
This has given me a great idea. Thanks so much for sharing your sacred ground.
This is so hopeful Bo and such a great help to those of us who love people who are hurting and don’t know how to help. Thanks for the very practical, loving idea. It also gives a glimpse of the hope for the future you are feeling in the midst of the pain and sorrow. How gracious of you to be open and willing to share your life when it would be so much easier to hide and shut everyone out. Go Bo!! I’m praying for you from afar and constantly learning from you.
Vickie Hughes
No- thank you so much for this post. It has inspired me. One of my closest friends lost her husband of 40 years last year and she is grieving. I would love to facilitate a remodel for her!
Precious. So glad your besties put this together for you. It’s amazing!
Blessings! Brenda Stroth
Bless you, Bo. Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us.
Thank you Bo for the amazing, beautiful story!!! great reminder of something we can all do to help hurting loved ones!!
Oh gosh your room is gorgeous! Oh and I love that pillow! What SPECIAL treasures named D & G in your life! Thank you for sharing that story. Its VERY inspiring and helpful for those grieving, as well as the ones walking alongside the grieving.
When my husband died 7 years ago of multiple sclerosis, I also knew I could not face the bedroom that contained so many memories, good and bad, alone. After all the hospital equipment moved out, I closed the door and moved into the guest room. A few weeks later my friend Jack, and interior decorator, came over with magazines and ideas. He shopped with me and emailed me ideas. Other friends helped with paint and accessory selection. When the room came together–more slowly than yours, but altogether beautifully–I was breathless. It’s just like you said–my room is now a peaceful, welcoming retreat. Which is just what I needed as I navigated the new season of singleness and grief. Thank God for friends who love us and who can bring beauty into our homes!
Thank you for opening your heart, in the midst of your pain, to help others. May God fill those empty places in your soul with more of His peace and joy!
there use to be a show called “While You Are Out” and people came in and re-did a room for them…it was great fun to watch. I did it a for few people. So much fun!!! So glad you were able to do this. your room is BEAUTIFUL!!! Blessings Bo;-)
I absolutely love your room! I think this is such a great way for people to serve….thanks for sharing this Bo!
Brilliant idea and a beautiful room. You are very wise (and veryloved by people who share your taste for quiet, peaceful places.) The color combo is perfect!
My friend just passed on your story to me. I lost my husband of 28 years to the side effects of radiation after a 14 year battle on 7/7/15.
There are so many things you have written about that came close to my heart. I wonder how I will get used to this, how I will survive without my best friends love, hugs and getting through life together?
I am angry, thinking about 28 years of accumulated stuff and downsizing I now have to do on my own (even though we talked about it), I am painfully sad for my children, who’s father will never get to see them graduate from college, walk them down the aisle or hold the first grandchild.
I am lonely and heartbroken, thinking about the next 20 or so years being alone…
What beautiful friends you have, Bo! I think this is a lovely idea and would be honored to do the same for a friend. I’m sure your “ask” blessed them as much as it did you. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Awesome!