Man, yesterday was a hard day.

Sometimes I whine a little (read: LOT) and sometimes I use the wrong measure for deciding the good or bad or hard of a given day, but yesterday?  Was legitimately hard.  It was house hard and kid hard and ministry hard and Tax Day hard and, most of all,  it was ALS hard.   After dinner, as Josiah was trying to recover from a tough track meet and struggling through a soul-melting amount of math homework, I wondered for a moment if dividing fractions has ever turned a mom and a kid into ever-loving loons.  Like, after surviving the ferocity of this year, what if the thing that finally breaks us is how many pizzas can you make if you have nine blocks of cheese and each pizza needs 1/3 block except one which needs soy cheese and extra love and…bleh.  Seriously, we hit a point where I wasn’t sure either one of us was gonna make it, but we did.  We stuck with the dumb division, we tried to stay happy and then we both collapsed – him into the tub and me into my bed.

I sat there reviewing my day and my year and my life.  Sometimes I wonder if God hired the wrong girl for the job.  When I look at the stuff on my plate right now, I realize that I am hopelessly unqualified and I then I end up swimming in the dark depths of my own inadequacies.

As I went to sleep last night, I kept reciting the verse from Jeremiah 32 over and over again, “I will not stop following after you to do you good.  I will not stop following after you to do you good.  I will.  Not. Stop. Following after you to do you good.”  Over and over and over until it became like the beeping of a heart monitor, pulsing low and steady in my spirit, keeping me tethered to the life support of His Word which is sometimes our only hope.

This morning I woke up late, but…new.  As soon as I opened my eyes I felt it: new mercy.  New hope.  Fresh air for a fresh day.  Out of a Lamentations night came a Genesis morning.  I don’t necessarily feel like dancing, but I do feel at rest.  At peace.  I know that somewhere between despair and daylight, His goodness caught up with me.

Most of us face a few giants on any given day, and some seasons in life are just teeming with them.  Giants on every chair, in every field, under every table.  Most people I know are either very aware that they are inadequate for the fight ahead or they are about to find out.  I don’t think God made us strong enough to tackle the Big Ones without Him.

If only this was 1997, I could give you all the answers because that’s when I had them.  Today, however, I know that I have no magic pill (clearly, or this blog post would be titled, “The Things that Just Can’t Break us. Ever.”).  But I do know this:  He is following you.  Look in the rearview and you might catch a glimpse of His headlights.  He goes before us and He also follows behind…not to lead us away from the bad days, but to put us back together when the pieces start to fall.  To hold us close when the tears won’t stop.  And to remind us that His goodness, ultimately, is everything.  It’s all that’s really real in the temporary world we call home.

Praying for New Mercies and the outline of God in your rearview mirror today, friend.

Bo

This morning Psalm 29:10 caught my eye like a tiny painting in a crowded gallery that grabs your attention as you walk by and won’t let go.

Here’s the verse:

The Lord sat as King over the deluge; the Lord [still] sits as King [and] forever!  Psalm 29:10 

See?  It’s beautiful and strong, but it’s also a little mysterious, don’t you think?  I like the word “deluge” a lot, but I wasn’t sure what exactly the psalmist was talking about in this context.  I went to some commentaries to dig a little deeper and tried not to be offended when Barnes Notes on the Bible called the meaning “obvious”.  Look at this beautiful explanation:

The obvious meaning is, that God is enthroned upon the storm, or presides over that which produces such consternation. It is not undirected; it is not the result of chance or fate; it is not produced by mere physical laws; it is not without restraint – without a ruler – for Yahweh presides over all, and all this may be regarded as his throne.

Yahweh presides over all – so this storm is not outside of His jurisdiction.  Indeed, these wild and woolly waves are His throne.  Apparently, He doesn’t avoid strong weather the way we would like to avoid it.

And then, the Notes turn their attention to the second part of the verse – “The Lord sits as King forever!“   Oh, how I love this:

…this is a thought which tends to make the mind calm and confiding when the winds howl and the thunder rolls…from all the terrors of the storm; from all that is fearful, on the waters, in the forests, on the hills, when it would seem as if everything would be swept away – the mind turns calmly to the thought that God is enthroned upon the clouds; that He presides over all that produces this widespread alarm and commotion, and that He will reign forever and ever.

So beautiful!

Any alarm or commotion in your life today?  Set your mind on this:  He will reign forever and ever.  In our strong storms and in our happy summers.  On the best days and on the worst.  He is not outside of the tumult, He is ruling over it and using it to produce His best beauty in our lives.

Forever and ever.  That’s really good news.

Happy to weather the weather with Him,

Bo

Dear Greyson,

You have only been here for five weeks, but already I am learning from you.

I am learning to slow down, even in really busy seasons.

I am learning to trust my Father the way you trust yours.

I am learning that little people can make enough noise while sleeping to disrupt an entire row of churchgoers.

You have brought so many things to our lives already, but by far the most surprising one is: peace.  I suspect that God may have packed it in your suitcase before sending you our way, because I’m astounded at how much peace you’ve brought to this party.

You were born onto our family’s battlefield, and I know it sounds crazy, but your tiny self is adding strength to our fight.  My only explanation is that the God of Life has a lot of really happy tricks up His sleeve.

So thankful for you,

Grandma Bo

Last night the theme on American Idol was “songs from the 80′s”.  Well, the 80′s are my decade.  I like to think I AM the 80′s.  Except my hair is not big and my clothes are mostly black and grey (remember matching your fuchsia shoes to your fuchsia purse and necklace and lipstick and earrings and eyeliner?  80′s, man!)   Anyway, one contestant chose the song Time after Time which was made famous by Cyndi Lauper, circa 1984.

Here’s the weird thing:  Time after Time always, always makes me cry.  I haven’t figured it all out yet, but there is some mystery mojo in that song that I cannot fight.

I hate crying, I really do, and I try to resist tears because I don’t enjoy them.  But with certain things, I just throw up the white flag, grab a hankie and let ‘em roll.  For instance:

• The last scene of It’s a Wonderful Life (I know, embarrassing)
• Slide shows at funerals
• The father/daughter dance at weddings
• Christmas Eve service
• Photos of my grandfathers
• Hymns on Easter
• The aforementioned Time after Time, by Cyndi Lauper (please, would someone analyze this for me?)
• Onions (not the same, I know, but still a tearjerker)

That’s my not-quite-complete list.  How about you?  What things in life are guaranteed to make you cry?

Wishing you some mysterious tears today because they’re kind of cool,

Bo

Psalm 25:1  Unto You, O Lord, do I bring my life.  O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. 

I love the simplicity of this sentence, “Unto You, O Lord, do I bring my life.”

Do you ever bring your life to Him apologetically?  Sometimes I do.  I often feel like I do when I take the shoebox full of receipts to our tax guy, embarrassed that we’ve made a mess of things again and hoping he will figure it all out if we pay him enough.

But, I’ve been watching my grandson Grey, and learning from him.  He brings his life to Whitney with very little finesse and not much to show for himself.  He comes, usually crying and hungry…needy.  Really needy.

He’s got no money, no talent, no hope of making it in the real world on his own, but he brings her his needs and she meets every one.  He gives her a smile and she lights up like he just cured cancer.  She’s not embarrassed or ashamed that he’s small; she thinks he’s perfect.

He is lovely because he is loved. And that makes him more than enough.

I want to bring my life like that.

Eagerly anticipating Easter,

Bo

Recently lots of people have been asking about Steve and it reminded me that it’s been awhile since I’ve posted an update.  So…here’s that:

We are just a little over the one-year mark into Steve’s diagnosis with Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS).   One interesting thing about ALS is that it progresses at varying rates of speed from person to person, but it usually stays pretty steadily at that speed for the duration.  Some lose the ability to walk, talk, swallow, etc, in fairly quick order (sometimes even within a few short months), but there is also a strain of the disease that travels very slowly.  Steve’s progression is neither of those; his is medium.

The effects of the disease started in his neck and shoulders and have now moved to his arms, hands and face.   He is still swallowing well, though we’ve eliminated certain sorts of food from his diet to make it easier.  His main challenges are with his hand/arm/neck strength and an overall feeling of weakness and weariness (some of that is caused by a decreased lung/diaphragm capacity). His legs show some changes, but they are still strong and are holding him up just fine.   He also has to work harder to speak clearly, especially when he’s tired.  Some changes that we’ve made that help us maintain life-as-normal-as-possible:

• Plastic, paper or very lightweight dishes, thin bath towels, lightweight bedding, etc. We don’t want Steve spending his strength on silly things, so everything has gotten lighter at our house.  Surprise benefit from this:  I feel like I’ve been working out!

• Steve’s new diet  is: CALORIES!  He’s lost quite a lot of weight since last February and weight loss is one of the things that ALS patients have to fight the hardest.  So Steve drinks high-calorie muscle drinks every day and eats…anything he wants.  Anytime he wants.  It’s hard to live with a guy like that.  Heh.

• He is now using an external ventilator about four hours per day to give his diaphragm and the muscles around his heart and lungs a break.  This machine is very expensive but a company generously provided one for us and it has proven to be such a blessing.  Steve feels that taking that time to let a machine do the breathing for him gives him more energy for other things  – and that is a huge win for us.

• Have you seen Boppy pillows?  These are great inventions because they enable Steve to hold our darling, amazing, sent-straight-from-Jesus grandson, Grey.  So blessed.

Dear Boppy Pillow inventor: good work!

• We limit evening activities outside our home to almost nothing.  Steve keeps pretty busy during the days and is leading an thriving men’s group; I am working full time – there’s really just not much  energy left at the end of the day for either of us.   We used to go, go, go and that was fun and fine, but we’re finding so much beauty in having the evenings together as a family.  We still have family dinner every Sunday night and that is just a lovely, soul-filling time with our kids and a wide assortment of friends.  I’m so thankful for family dinner.

• We have listed our house.  It’s more space than we need and more than we can afford on one paycheck.  It’s also full of stairs and will soon need a bathroom remodel in order to work for Steve, so it’s time for a change.   If I think about this from one angle, it could make me very sad….so I have decided to think of it from the adventure angle.  What’s next?  What is God up to?   How much better for us will the next house be? When I think of these things, I know that this is the right decision right now and I’m glad we’ve made it.

Bottom line: we continue to pray for healing and believe for God’s very best, but this is the reality of his current condition.  I don’t think honesty about some of the difficulties of life is a threat to God’s ability to turn this around, so  it would be silly to pretend things are normal when they’re not.  My beloved is working very hard every day to do the same things that  he used to do without even thinking.  This is his real life and we can passionately pray for healing while also acknowledging the courage and determination Steve is using to fight this fight.

One year into the journey, I think this is what Team Stern would want you to know:  when you run into a moment you never thought you could face, He will meet you there.  He will find you in weeping and fear.  He will find you in sorrow and pain.  He will find you in the heights and in the depths.  He will.  He’s made of sterner stuff than any storm and He ever lives to love us back to hope.

With no hyperbole whatsoever, I say:  we love you.  Thank you for strapping in for this ride…we’d never want to go it alone.

Bo for Team Stern

Happy Friday!  I don’t know what the world looks like outside your window, but here in Central Oregon, we are keeping the flotation devices handy.  It has rained for days (and I know Oregon has a reputation for rain, but we don’t usually get much on our side of the mountain).  I’ve decided my perspective on the rain will be: cozy.  I’m mostly buried away in my little writing cave anyway, so the sound of rain against the window could be considered a creative gift, I suppose.

This morning, I woke up feeling very happy and excited about this day.  I am in a part of the editing process that I’m enjoying, I have the day to give to it, a friend blessed us with a housecleaning crew yesterday so my house smells like bleach and love.  I cannot find a single thing wrong with this lovely day, so I chose to use this mug for my coffee:

Now, I also choose this mug on the really hard days.  While I know it can’t be true, I secretly believe that this mug has some sort of magical power to make a bad day good or a good day awesome.  I don’t, however, think it has power for medium days.  So I never choose it on the regular days when I feel ‘neither up nor down”.  Nope.  For those days, I choose a red one.  I have a lot of red mugs.

I do not understand these quirks and qualms (but I do know that I love words that start with ‘qu’).

Another thing: when I read, I need everything to be quiet.  No music, no tv, no sounds anywhere.  But when I write, I need to have a movie soundtrack playing in the background: Transformers, Narnia, Pirates – something warlike and inspiring, or my brain gets stuck.

A final quirk:  almost always, when I go down a flight of stairs, I count them in my head.  I don’t count them when I go up, but I do when I go down.  Now, I hesitate to share this with you because recently – in a moment of ill-advised marital transparency – I shared it with my husband and he was more astounded than I expected him to be.  After watching him process the information for a long, silent moment, I said insecurely, “Do you think I’m ready for my own show on the Discovery Channel?”  His thoughtful reply, “I think you might be close, Bo.”

I’ve decided I don’t care what he thinks.  I am who I am, quirks and all.

So, don’t leave me hanging – what weirdy thing do you do?  Circle the car before opening the doors?  Smell the food before eating it?  C’mon – I know you have one!

Going to count my stairs,

Bo