I know so many people right now who are going through hard things.  Suffering.  Pain.  Broken dreams.  So many things.

The takeaway, I suppose, could be that life doesn’t play fair.  It didn’t read the handbook and it’s always going off our crudely-but-carefully drawn map and taking us to dumb places we never ever wanted to see, like sickness or failure or divorce or loneliness.  None of these places are big tourist attractions so not only do we not want to visit, we usually have to spend most of our time there alone.   Tragedy really makes a terrible trip planner.

So, all of this is true, but as God walks us through an unplanned trek of our own, I’m also learning some tricks for surviving the ride.  Someday maybe I’ll say they were tricks that made me love the ride but I gotta say that I’m not there yet.

One of the things I’m learning is super simple and it almost seems silly to mention it, but it’s been huge for me.

Last September, when we first discovered that the physical issues Steve was having might be ALS, I entered into what were – without any doubt – the worst three weeks of my life.  I couldn’t eat.  Couldn’t sleep.  Lost ten pounds (small upside, I suppose).  I just honestly felt that I was suffocating in grief and fear and I could not see outside of my own bucket of sorrow.

Now, my love of all things fall is well documented on this blog.  I love it.  Deeply.  And as I walked the ground of sorrow last September, I resented the fact that this crisis had stormed the gates of my favorite season and stolen the joy of it right out from under my nose, and I feared that the early days of autumn would now be a forever reminder of the worst days of my life.  I remember walking out into a beautiful October afternoon and hearing the leaves crunch beneath my feet.  For a brief moment, I felt the thrill of fall I had always felt…and then the sick feeling hit my gut and I literally doubled over to hold in the tears.   They were tears of loss – of losing the things I loved the most:  security, hope, joy, Steve, future plans…and now, even fall.

Somewhere in that storm, as He loves to do, Jesus showed up.  His voice rode in on the wind and whispered something brilliantly beautiful to my breaking heart.  “I know this is hard, Bo, and I know you love Steve.  But you don’t only love Steve.”  It was true and I knew it.  I love a lot of things, and those things were still exactly as they were before a visit to a doctor’s office changed so much for us.  But I was having trouble loving those things for a couple of reasons.  One reason was because I was tired and hurting and processing a lot of pain – and that’s just normal.  Another reason, though, was because somehow it felt almost disloyal to Steve to go ahead and be happy about anything.  Going on with life on any level felt completely inappropriate and so joy felt entirely inaccessible.

But the voice of the Holy Spirit was so clear to me that day:  Love things.

Love your kids like always and not through the filter of disappointment or fear.  Love shopping.  Love fall.  It’s okay to love things when you’re grieving.  It’s okay and it helps to process the whole reality of life rather than getting stuck in the corner of one circumstance where it’s hard to breathe, hard to grow and really hard to move forward.

When tragedy strikes, it’s tempting to feel like the whole entire world has fallen apart and nothing remains.  This is almost never true.  Tragedy slams the air out of our gut and that makes it hard to breathe for a minute…but when we again stand upright, we find that some things are still firm, steady and untouched by our crisis.  At first, this feels frustrating and obscene – but eventually, if we let it, it becomes a huge comfort.  Life goes on and it moves us ever closer to the unchanging arms of Jesus.  This is good.

So now I don’t just acknowledge the things that are unchanged and beautiful in my life, I embrace them and celebrate them, even though they may seem small in comparison to the fight that we’re facing.  A small list of these joys:

  • The cool morning breeze through my window as I study.
  • My orange dutch oven.
  • Cooking family dinner.
  • The right song coming on the radio at just the right moment.
  • A warm blanket on a cool evening.
  • A really good cupcake.
  • Moonlight through my bedroom window.
  • What not to Wear – the tv show.  Seriously, it brings me much joy.
  • Shopping with Tess.
  • Vivaldi on a rainy day.
  • Old books that smell like mahogany and witty banter.
  • Josiah’s bedhead in the morning.
  • Travel guidebooks.
  • Facials.
  • Walking around the Deschutes every evening – even though I mostly go alone now.  (perfect example – I used to be unable to do this because it’s something Steve and I have always shared.  Now, I am learning to share it with Jesus and with the river and with the smiles of strangers around me and I feel stronger for it.)
  • The sound of my church family singing Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.  Gets me every time.

 

These and so many other things are becoming strongholds for my shaky hands and comfort for my aching heart.  They are beautiful and real and gifts from a perfect Creator.  I am so blessed to be given these few days in this temporary life to really and truly love things.

14 Comments

  1. Susan from Nebraska

    These little things are the things that make life wonderful…..but I am so thankful that this life is only the beginning and eternity is ahead of us……promising to be even better than when we have now! Thank you Jesus for the hope we have in YOU!

  2. Susan from Nebraska

    Just read your blog, Bo. It was awesome. However, I’d like to add something of the way I am dealing with all this. Last night someone called us and said that here in Lincoln they were doing a big thing on ALS and it was on TV. So, we turned to it, and the first thing they showed was a man lying way back in a sort of wheel chair. I simply could not look at it – my stomach couldn’t handle it, and I asked Paul to turn it off. I asked myself, “Why did this affect you so badly?” The answer was so simple” “I don’t believe to see the day that Steve will look like that man.” And, I really DON’T believe it. God has led me to pray every single day thus:

  3. I would like to point out that those comments were from your MIL as Susan from Nebraska is currently in Australia and must have left herself signed in. But you probably figured that out. =). Loved the blog. GREAT reminder.

    • Susan from Nebraska

      I don’t know what a MIL is but even though I was in Australia I got internet and read the blog and then commented!!! We live in a very, very small world. In fact, Bo, you might be getting comments from people in Australia as I have shared Steve’s story everywhere and mentioned your blog ministry several times. So, you are now world famous!!!

      • Welcome back, Sue! MIL = mother-in-law. : ) She was logged in as you and I have done that very thing before…only not as you. As Tess. Life gets tricky on the information superhighway.

  4. You are an amazing writer and The Lord sure knows what you need, and also that what you need is what others need as well and he is sending the message, encouragement and love threw you his jewell daughter of the Most High. I to am a lover of fall, my most precious times are in the fall. When all is getting ready to rest for a long cold winter. And it goes out with such a bang of beauty. God bless you sister Bo. Know i love you and your heart. And give my best to your amazing husband and family. HUGS!

  5. As I read your blog, thank you. When you are in the process of losing someone in your life, you feel guilty for anything good to happen. When so much bad is happening in the lives of your love ones. But, their lives do effect how you respond to the things in ones own life. I am reminded that God does know all and He wants us to live life to the fullest, in all circumstances. Again thank you for sharing.

  6. A wonderful and moving post. You’ve enouraged me to simply love things.

  7. Things i love: you.

    amen.

  8. Wonderful. Thanks for articulating that so well. I feel released to love things and encouraged not to allow fear to discolor my love.

  9. Bo – all I have to say is wow – deep – thanks – freedom to love without guilt is a powerful truth for all of us to learn. I had to learn this as well – you may say, “how? why? what have you lost?” Many people felt I should not love Africa as much as I did America – they thought I should feel guilty for not “missing” my family and church – that we should feel the burden to minister to “our own people”, etc. So I had to learn, just as you so profoundly penned, to love the things and people that the Lord has put in my days, my moments. The gifts that the Lord gives me that make me tick are:
    1. Tea on the front porch, looking out over the green grass and trees.
    2. The African market, filled with fruits, veggies, and tons of varieties of colors and sounds.
    3. Tying a shoe, or giving a hug, or cleaning a skinned knee, or helping of KKV kid with their Math or English homework.
    4. Tucking Joe and Sarah into their beds every night and trying to answer their flood of questions, sometimes silly, sometimes deep.
    5. My morning cup of tea with crunchy toast (which I share with our miniature dachshund)
    6. The SHOUT of the African Church….it penetrates my being and makes me know heaven is real!

    I love YOU Bo and can’t wait to hug your neck – real soon!

    • Oh, Molly – I LOVE your take on this. And I am sharing a secret (well, not so secret NOW) prayer with our Father that I will get to share all those things with you sometime again before so very long. 🙂

  10. you THANK YOU STEVE/BO
    Thank you for what shared last nght. Your life in the physical or body vs the spirit and soul was like JESUS talking to the crowds in the BIBLE. Thank your for pouring your life, your experiences, your love on us like healing oil for our spirits to go further into the KINGDOM of GOD-HEAVEN. GOD has richly touched your life,your family, your church and comuinity through you Steve/ thank you. You served the Master well by pouring out your love, your heart, and HIS LOVE, HIS PURPOSE AND HIS PLAN TO PRESS INTO HIM MORE, BOB