Let me start by saying: I certainly do not speak for everyone in crisis. There are a million different kinds of people and a million different kinds of battle. I’ve tried to stick to things I’ve heard many times from many people, but this list reflects my two years in the trenches more than anything else.
1. Sometimes your life is hard to look at. I will try to attend your daughter’s wedding and I will be so happy for her. But I will look away when her father walks her down the aisle and I will leave before the daddy-daughter dance. These things are too much for me. I’m not mad; I’m just swimming through some deep-water feelings about the future. I don’t need hugs or help; I just need a little room to breathe and none of it is your fault. This is my heartache. For some, it’s seeing an anniversary celebration on facebook, or flirtatious banter between a husband and wife. For others, it’s witnessing the baby milestone while imagining how old their own would be. Different things are difficult for different people, just know that while we love you, sometimes your world is hard to look at. We know you have problems, too, and we’re not jealous of your life – we’re jealous for the life we used to have before our battle broke out (or the life we’re wishing for that hasn’t quite started yet). Action point for armies: don’t stop inviting us into your lives, but give us grace when we need to look away for a bit.
2. How much we feel like talking about our battle can vary wildly. Some days are very difficult and so I will answer questions abruptly in order to save us both from my messy emotional breakdown. Some days it’s very cathartic to talk about it. So, how can you as my friend, know which day it is? You can’t. And this is when it’s hard to be you (and I’m sorry); but what you can do is ask: “How are things with Steve?” followed up immediately by, “I understand if you’d rather not talk about it.” Perfect. You’ve shown me you care and also given me an easy exit should I choose to use it. And let me add – even when I don’t feel I can give a detailed answer, it really does matter to me that people ask. (So thank you, sweet friends, for the question. And thank you for understanding when I can’t linger over the answer.)
3. We’re secretly afraid you’ll grow weary and disappear. We don’t fear it because we doubt your character, we fear it because we would probably choose to leave our battlefield too, if given the option. Through tears, I type this: I can’t imagine what I would do if I lost my friends as well. I just can’t imagine. I know so many people who run out of steam in supporting a friend and then they’re embarrassed to step back into the battle again. Don’t be embarrassed…just give a call and say, “I miss you. Can I bring over some mac and cheese?”
4. We still want to fight for you, too. Don’t stop telling us what you’re going through, don’t stop asking us to pray. It gives me comfort to know I’m not the only one in a fierce fight and it gives me courage to know that I still have something to offer the world outside my war.
5. We love you. And we’d be lost without your friendship. Even when we lack the strength to say it or show it, please just know it.
Comments are open – I’d love to hear thoughts from both sides of the battle.
I love you, friend!! Thanks for your beautiful honesty and for your beautiful friendship to me. xo
Kim Alexander – if anyone had the right to grow weary and disappear at least a thousand conversations ago, it’s you. But you have never wavered and I have always known that you are there and that you hold the sharing safe. Thank you doesn’t even begin…
Bo, thank you. There are so many times I want to ask about Steve but I often think I shouldn’t because I am just sure you are sick of answering that question. Thank you for teaching me how to ask that question in the future. Your family is in my prayers constantly. You are loved my friend xo
Tami, you are dear. Thank you for caring for us – even quietly. It means the world.
Bo, thanks for your insight. You and your family are showing to us your friends, strength, faith and grace.
Thank you, Dirk – you and Joan have been brilliant fighters on our battlefield and we are so grateful.
Thank you Bo! You hit the nail on the head.
Aw, Allison – so blessed to hear from you. I was thought of you when I was writing this in a “What Would Allison Say?” sort of way. It is a tender road you’re on, but you’re walking it in a beautiful way. Thanks for being a lovely reflection of all that He is.
Oh, dearest Bo. You blog has had me in absolute tears lately. Ive had so much to say, but so little words… Your honesty is incredible, you vulnerability, suprisely awesome (why surprisely? Because few choose to go there.) for many years I looked back at the “battles” in my life and have many times asked the question, “where did everyone go?” What I have learned, the long haul is that, long. Somedays it’s really ugly, somedays it’s beautiful. I have to admit, there have been oh so many days when my heart just plain hurts for you, Steve and your family. Somedays I have no idea what to do, or say except Hi and hug because, I know I’ll never have the words to say, and I have realized, looking back… For me, it wasn’t those who always had the “right” things to say, but those who were just there. Even in the simple. The ones who hug you and know they meant it. Those who would pray, say honest words, or say nothing at all but just “be.” I love you, and your family OH SO DEARLY! I am standing by team Stern always, because you know what? I remember y’all doing the exact same thing for me. I am so thankful for your honesty, vulnerability, and love.
Love you!!
I love you, Taylor, and your family has been an example to me for so many years of strength in battle. You don’t have to say anything to to be an encouragement to me…you just are, by being you, by still standing, by believing for His goodness to shine through in every dark place, by showing me that kids who walk the long road with a parent can come out with their faith and character strong. I am so thankful.
Dearest Bo, thank you so much for your encouraging, affirming words to my daughter Taylor! I am so pleased that she and her family are back at Westside for lots of reasons, one, I know her walk will be a source of strength for many who watched and encouraged her as she walked through it… also, because I know that she is still walking thru it, now as a young wife and mother… Westside has been a tremendous source of strength & encouragement for all 3 of my kids & they are each walking strong today despite their difficult history beacuse of strong Goldly examples like you and for that I will forever be grateful to my Lord & savior for the environment that they were blessed to have grown up in! Kathy & I pray for you quite often & are blessed by the faithfulness and strength we see in you! Lots of love to all the stern fam! May our God overwhelm you will his care & provision each & every day!
Your bother, Steve L. Anderson
Thank you so much, Steve. Your family is a gift to mine!
#1, “Your life is hard to look at,” slays me. More than anything, I miss the life I thought I would have before my world shattered on October 30, 2010. I grieve the future I took for granted. Thanks, Bo, this is a very good list. Interesting how the “battle” theme is universal for us. Our team name is “Arne’s Warriors,” you know. And the five of us – now four – call ourselves, “The Gray Phalanx.” Also, the theme “grace” is definitely the saving grace.
Thanks, dear Lindsay. I’m wishing you (and your family) great grace today. I’m also wishing like crazy for a cure for ALS in memory of your dad, in honor of my Steve and so many like them. Amen.
Bo–Love you–I am learning from your Journey–thank you for your precious honesty!!
Thank you, sweet friend. And thank you for dinner – it was amazing, abundant and such a gift to us.
Bo,
Beautifully written and simply stated. You are a beautiful, precious warrior, and I love you dearly, friend.
Oh, dear Shirell – please can I see your face sometime?
Thank you for posting this. I have struggled for 3 years to find a way to make people comfortable with my battle. This was so freeing. I love you Bo and I love your words ALL of them.
I love you, Corina. So much.
Bo, Steve and amazing Stern family including your extended blood family, I don’t know what to say. I know I have said things I regret terribly over the past few years, so I shy away from saying anything sometimes or making just general comments. For this I am sorry. Your family leaves me speechless.
Thanks, Dan. You and Nita are such a blessing to us – I can’t imagine fighting this battle without you.
Thank you for being so transparent and honest, Bo. It helps us to know what is helpful, and not. Because I don’t ask, doesn’t mean I’m not caring – praying – for His strength, His grace, His love, to abound to you and Steve and your family – always. And here if/when you need us. (((hugs)))
Bless you, Louise.
This was somethin’ I’ve always needed to know ..I mean really..when Im trying to search for the right words..I can’t seem to find them.. So I pray for you and your family..so often I want to stop you and hug you.. just cuz..but not sure you want or need that..I love that you gave us your 5 things to understand. I appreciate you Bo for showing me to see life through different eyes and emotions. I love your bravery and openness. Your life has been such a lovely tribute to Steve and to The Lord. You are such a warrior for Jesus. Thank You for you faithfulness it’s amazing. Adore you Bo
Thank you so much, Suzanne. Bless you!
As always, I respect, admire, and appreciate your transparency in this season. I (and countless others) are still with you and your precious family for the long haul. I love you Sterns more than I can possible say. That is that.
Thank you, Jenna J!
You do still have so much to offer, even from where you are.
You wrote a book. My mother is making herself a notebook
full of notes and reflections from that book….because she has a battle and your words give her strength.
You have sacrificed your time, your body, your soul….your privacy ……..for people you don’t even know. Who… in a crises such as yours would have the strength, not only to fight her own battle, but to stand strong for so many others
as they face the giants on life’s battlefields? Who would be concerned with still having something to offer the world outside her war? Bo Stern, that’s who. You are a rare gift to this earth from God. I thank God for you Bo.
You totally nailed it. My husband and I are struggling with infertility and have lost 2 babies already. (This is my second marriage so for me it’s been a 20 year long battle.) We both said “yes!” to every one. I especially appreciated #1 because I have trouble putting that into words for people. When I read #3 my husband exclaimed “That’s the big one for me!” Thank you for sharing your heart and struggle.
” Heart’s that are all lined up side by side, surrounding the Stern family. Arm’s that reach down and cradle you all each day. Strong and able to carry you all in what ever comes your way. Eye’s that see and glance when passing by, smiles that are reaching out. Walking in love, never leaving your side’s, one look one touch, and that’s all that is needed. Ready to stand always. For you all are touched by angel’s in so many ways. Hug’s from a distance, we receive them all. We stand together, and never fall. Thank you dear sister for sharing your heart.
Love you Bo!
I Thank you my dear friend, for these words!
Helping people help people…I love how you do this, Bo. 🙂
Bo, thank you for your absolute honesty and transparency. I believe I have said this to you before and will probably say it again. Thank you for being brave and being able to share. Always praying! Love your heart!
Thank you Bo–so helpful.
My very dear friend is in the battle with cancer and often as I am praying for her I find myself praying for Steve, you and your children.
love you much
Thanks for the reminder that it is ok to not know what to say….words are hard for me to find. Do know that I (we) are praying for you and your family all the time. I read your blogs, Facebook posts and book….they inspire me and help me to be understand a part of what you are going through. Your faith in the Lord and what His plans are for this are AMAZING…..even though I am sure it is so tough!! So my friend…..I may be silent, but you are all in my heart at all times! <3
Bo,
Your sweet, sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and your uncanny ability to put into words what so many feel is a blessing to all. Thank you for your unswerving honesty throughout your battle. Praying for team Stern!
You hit the nail on the head every time! It is so refreshing to read exactly how I feel from the battlefield. I am thankful to not feel alone. I love how open you are, how beautiful you have been throughout your whole battle, and how much you inspire me always. Thank you Bo for being here for me even when you have no idea that you are. I love you and your precious family!
One I would add to my battlefield
#6 please do not feel like you cannot tell me the amazing milestones that your childis reaching, you shoud be a proud excitex parents do I have to take a second to respond? Yes only bc I am trying to imagine what it would be like to have my son doing that. Does that silence mean I am upset, no just processing.
Love this, love you. Thank you for once again expressing so beautifully what I have often felt but lacked the words to speak out loud. I’m proud to be part of Team Stern, and grateful to have you as part of Team Phillip! Hugs
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Amazing how God equips with “just the right tools” at “just the right time.” Thank you for this list!! Since my first encounter in the Fall with the forthcoming of “Beautiful Battlefields”, my life has been saturated with an awareness of those in battle around me (as if God turned the lights on). This list is yet another another opportunity for God to soften my heart (make it more like His) and teach me. Guess I better start making some “mac and cheese.”
Love you Bo and Steve, and Team Stern!
I love you guys I know I don’t say much. My heart is always blessed when I hear from either one of you either on Facebook or from church. Please know that what He has asked from your lives has given our hearts So Much. We see Jesus’s heart in good times and bad. Thank you.
Sweet Bo,
You never fail to amaze. I think Sarah Young said it perfectly when she wrote: “Thank you Bo for being here for me even when you have no idea that you are.” I don’t know if you can even imagine how huge Team Stern’s impact is on the army who loves you. When I stop to think about it, I would say you are probably in the back of my mind whenever I’m awake, just hovering there waiting to be called to the surface. Your family’s faith and strength – and heartbreak – has become a permanent part of my heart. When I got to #3 on your list and saw “grow weary and disappear” I was almost shocked, like, how could anyone ever do that? It was just unthinkable.
You are precious, Bo Stern, you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your life so openly with all of us. Words cannot express the love in my heart for all of you.
Thank you for allowing God to use your life to witness to so many others. Your willingness to ” put yourself out there” an d be so amazingly transparent shows Jesus Christ in your life. It’s one thing to love people when the sun is shining, but it really shows the presence of God in your life to love people while you are walking through the storm. And to allow them to watch you model a Christ like attitude while you walk through the storm. May God wrap your entire family up in the embrace of the Holy Spirit. May you feel His warmth, grace, compassion, presence, Love. God bless you, Steve and the entire family.
Dear Bo,
I just found your website this morning, and am hoping to find a copy of your book this weekend. I lost my husband to ALS exactly three months ago, after an unbelievably aggressive case of the disease. He passed away a short 11 weeks after diagnosis. I can’t read much now, it just hurts too much, but I will be back. I know your website is exactly what I needed to find today. God bless you, my new friend.
Dear One,
You are the Bravest woman I know. Thank you for putting in to words that which anyone who has been in a fierce battle involving a child or spouse can understand. There definitely are the times when people who have expressed their love and support seem to disappear or avoid. Their response is not always fatigue or growing uncaring, but simply running out of words….or never having had them in the first place because they truly can’t understand or apprear they don’t want to. In those silences may you hear God ever more clearly, “You are Mine…eternally.”
I love you.
Bo, you are one of the “strongest” women I know. Strong in the Lord. My battles are different from yours, but it doesn’t mean that how you live, and model, and write, and speak, and pray isn’t an inspiration to me. Thank you for you for helping us know how to show you our love and our caring. You and your whole family have my deepest love…Susie
love hearing your heart, so so much. wish I could come and clean and cook for you….hopefully before the year is out. Time just moves too quickly and so many lives rushing through our fingers. Battles are plenty but I wish I could get a handle on what God is doing through them like you do. Have read the book twice, and will do it yet again….letting you and your family grow deep within me. Hugs all around. Molly
You inspire so many..as friends, family, caregivers or just those of us who have been blessed to cross paths. Thank you for sharing your heart. Beautifully written.
I cried while reading this because I had a fleeting temptation today to ditch my battlefield while dealing with getting my 11yrold daughter with Down syndrome on the bus. Every morning I wake up to a fight that I want to flee. And it’s a fight that I’m alone in. I’m the only one that can do this yet it’s not a fight I signed on for or feel equipped to handle. Thanks for this post. Crying.
Leilani,
If you have access to the internet, you might check out 211info.org and go to the 2013 resource directory. You might find some resources there that would give you some assistance, such as brief respite care, to help lighten your load. Also there are directions on how to have a text conversation with the 211 operators and how to contact them by phone. I’ve heard some great things about them. I hope they can be of some help to you. Blessings to you friend.
Tammy