When last we spoke, I mentioned how Psalm 139:1 had sucker-punched my life (in all good ways). It woke me up to the idea that God is not attracted to my wins and repelled by my wounds. It boldly asserts: You search me and know everything about me. Everything. Such a big, scary, crazy word. Such a big concept, in fact, that it’s easy to get lost in it and feel lost in the billions of people God is busy searching and knowing.
One way to bring this concept home to roost, is to write out twenty ordinary or extraordinary things that God knows about you right now. Don’t overthink it – include big and little, bad and beautiful. Be honest. Be transparent. Be gracious with yourself (it’s hard to write honestly about negative things in your life without mentally building a backup plan for how you’re gonna fix that stuff – but this is not the time for fixing because our verse doesn’t say anything about fixing – it only says “God knows”.) My list – and this squeezes my courage to share it – looks like this:
My fears. My phobias. My deep love for my kids. My worry that I’m doing it wrong. My fear of getting older. My sense of humor. My love of the show New Girl. My desire to be smart. My need to be liked. My love of Italy. My love of Bend. My fear that politics will separate me from the friends that I love. My frustration that I can’t lose weight – and the change in identity it’s created. My tendency towards jealousy of other writers. My resistance to revisiting old memories of Steve. My struggle to love ___________ (not gonna share that one with you!) My love of cooking. My need for my mom when I’m sick. My fear of losing her (perhaps my oldest, truest fear.) The way I so often feel like an “almost”.
I wrote this list through tears weeks ago, but it still moves me when I read it. To know that God sees the good and bad and petty and silly and hidden and hopeful parts of me and STILL has a multitude of precious and wonderful thoughts about me? Oof. It’s just too much wonder to take in.
That’s all I’ve got today and the end of verse 1. Stay tuned, though, because verse 2? She’s a beaut!
Journal prompt: Make a list of twenty things God knows about you. Include things like your favorite color, your worst habit, your deepest fear, your truest love. Write without mentally making notes to fix yourself. Write without guilt that God can see you. Write knowing how unconditionally crazy about you He is. This is our God. And He is good.