This past weekend I spoke at Westside on how our relationships can be made new by plugging into the power of the work Jesus accomplished for us on the cross. I made a statement about my marriage to Steve and I’ve received so much feedback on it. The gist of what I said was that while our marriage was good, I regret that I didn’t have higher expectations for it. I believed the millions of messages I received from people and movies and statistics that implied every marriage is going to grow older, boring and frayed around the edges. Steve and I settled into some unhealthy relational patterns simply because changing them seemed pretty hard, perhaps even impossible. We never would have considered calling it quits, but there were definitely seasons in which we mostly phoned it in. In 2011, when the clock started ticking on Steve’s time here on earth, we worked more diligently to find health and wholeness. I’m grateful for that time, but I wish we would have believed for it sooner. There’s a difference in the way you resolve issues when you’ve got twenty years ahead of you versus the way you do it when one spouse is dying.
So many people contacted me after the weekend messages to tell me how much that idea challenged them. “I need to believe for more for my marriage,” was the most common idea expressed, often followed by a very sad, “but I’m not sure how.”
I’ve been a pastor for about twenty years and I’m not sure I’ve ever known so many couples struggling to keep their love alive. Many of them are longing for answers that work, but are coming up empty in finding them. I know some would disagree, but: I’m not sure pastoral counseling alone is the right answer for most marriage problems. I can tell you what the Bible says about marriage and relating to one another, but I cannot tell you exactly how to do that inside of your relationship which is loaded with history, brokenness, poor habit patterns, unique stresses, personality differences, etc. Even if I had the training and knew all the answers, I don’t have the time to dedicate to indefinite, weekly meetings with all the couples who need it. That’s why we have marriage counselors. They know the science of emotions and how to apply good practices to hard situations. So, if your marriage is in trouble, I will almost always tell you a couple of things:
- It’s worth fighting for.
- Get thee to a good counselor.
- If you can’t afford a counselor or don’t feel ready to take that step, read this book like your life depended on it. Commit to taking every test and doing every single exercise together. The book isn’t faith-based, but – fear not – you can bring your faith right on into it! Have a date every week to meet and go over your work, or set up a time each day to connect and discuss what you’re reading, learning and feeling. Even if you decide to go to a counselor when you’re done with the book, you will have done enough work to know why you need one. Creating awareness about your trouble spots ahead of time can help save time and money moving forward.
- Raise your expectations about what your marriage could look like if you invited heaven in. Sit together for a bit and dare to ask God: “Your will be done in our marriage as it is in heaven…”
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. But in my heart of hearts, I think it might be enough for a couple that is truly devoted to the idea of an All Things New kind of relationship. I’m praying for the marriages in my family, church and community like never before and believing that they will experience and reflect the beauty of heaven right here on earth.
P.S: You can see my message in its entirety here.
Ever since Steve died, I’ve been starting each morning with list-making. I love lists. Love ’em. I make a couple of different daily lists, but the one that is always steady and most important in my life is the list of Three Beautiful Things.
It’s really simple, I just pick three ways I see beauty in my life in that very moment and write it down. Often it will be connected to a person – maybe a conversation that I had over dinner the night before, maybe something especially wonderful about one of my kids or grandkids, or maybe just a great deal of gratitude for a sustaining friendship. Other times, it’s very broad in scope like the beauty of running water in my home or the fact that our grocery stores are stocked with food or that there is peace in our city. And sometimes it’s a really small thing, like coffee in my favorite cup or finding the very perfect shade of lipstick.
On some difficult mornings, making the list is like pulling teeth. Other days, it’s as easy as breathing and I could keep writing for pages (I never do, though – I stick to three). Either way, I believe that starting my day focused on the big and little very good things in my life has reprogramed my thinking from constantly scanning for threats – which was a necessary learned behavior during our fight with ALS – to watching for beauty. Noticing it. Focusing on it. Believing it’s really out there. I also think this micro habit has positioned my heart to see the beauty in ugly seasons more quickly, and even the beauty in difficult people and conversations.
It’s been so small but so big. So easy but so hard. So simple but so effective. And while there are habits that come and go through different seasons of life, I really believe that until my last day here on earth, I’ll be listing my Beautiful Things in the morning.
About a month into our long-distance dating relationship, Cliff and I prioritized a nightly phone date (we live in cities that are annoyingly far apart and generally only see each other two weekends each month.) This decision was not intuitive or easy. Neither of us are really phone people, and I am definitely not a late night person, but since we both have kids at home and really busy lives, the only time to make communication happen is when our houses are finally quiet and the distractions of the day are done.
In spite of the effort required and the sacrifice of sleep, these dates have become the highlight of my day and the joy of my life. We spend maybe a dozen hours a week talking about life, love, hopes, history, Jesus, goals, work, dreams, kids and…food. Lots about food. Oh, and also laughing! Because we find each other H I L A R I O U S which means the rest of the world doesn’t have to. (You’re welcome, World!)
Sometimes one or both of us is crabby or frustrated from something that’s happened in the day, which is fine – but I don’t think we’ve ever been able to stay that way, which is fun. And sometimes we land on a tender topic and one ends up not being able to speak while the other holds the phone helplessly and prays across the three-hour distance, wishing there was more we could do and be and offer each other in the broken moments. I wouldn’t have chosen for it to be this way. I would choose to live next door. But I also wouldn’t trade this part of our relationship for anything because it’s become so, so lovely. These are the magic hours, filled with words that give depth and meaning to the day we just had and the one just ahead.
We’ve occasionally talked about how couples become disconnected even though they live in the same house. Substituting physical proximity for emotional connection is an easy trap with a dangerously slippery slope. Perhaps all marriages would benefit from spouses going to separate rooms for an hour with their cell phones and having a date made only of words. I realize I’m suggesting something I never would have done in my own marriage and probably wouldn’t have done in this relationship had it not been necessary; but there you have it. I’m discovering as I get older that I can’t afford to get so stuck in my own preferences or habits – I have to be willing to push out beyond them in order to find the beauty that lies just on the other side of The Way I’ve Always Done It. That’s what I’m learning now; sort of late in life, but I’m so grateful.
Finally, if you’re looking for a great resource for building emotional connection in all your primary relationships, I’m loving this book by John Gottman. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Since going public with my dating relationship on Facebook, I’ve heard from lots of widows. They have been kind, gracious and most of all, curious. These brilliant women who have been through enormous levels of loss and sorrow, and who are still processing the way their lives and expectations have changed since their spouse died, want mostly to know if there’s hope that moving on is possible. They ask me things like:How did you know it was time to date again? How do you feel being with someone other than your husband? How can you trust that you won’t go through loss again or that if you did, you would survive a second time?
These questions capture so many angles of the fear and hope that surround widows and the wondering that is attached to nearly every single element of our future, but especially our romantic future.
Here’s where I answer all the questions definitively in a bullet-pointed, well-reasoned, intellectually honest way.
Except I don’t. Because if the question is: “Should I or should I not look for love again?” my answer is: I have no idea. But I have discovered a couple of things I think most widows will need to do, be or believe if they’re going to swim in these waters. Feel free to take or leave ‘em. I’ve only done this once myself so I could have this entirely wrong for you, but this is what has been true for me:
You will need to be brave.
Because it’s hard to trust again. Harder still, to start over again. If you had a brilliant marriage, it will be hard to imagine how anything could be as wonderful. If you had a difficult marriage, it will be hard to imagine that trying again could be anything but heartbreaking. Since you’ve been through loss, it will be hard to imagine how you would survive that loss again. You will need to be very brave.
You will need to tune out some voices.
Many people will have an opinion on when or how or with whom you begin this new season of your life. Their opinions will vary wildly. You will need to determine which voices will be invited into your decision making process. I invited four. They know every single detail of my story, his story and our story, and they have been my sanity. Beyond those four, there are maybe a dozen others who matter very much to me and have been bought along at various points as our relationship developed. Outside that circle of 12-20 people are about a million other opinions which I have come to view as the Cheap Seats. The Cheap Seats are not filled with bad people, but they are filled with people who cannot possibly know all the details or angst or prayer that has gone into this decision and so their opinions – like a broken clock – may be right twice a day, but they cannot be counted upon to inform our choices.
You will need to allow yourself room for mistakes.
Because you will make them. I have made plenty. These mistakes are humbling, but not fatal unless you let them push you into the land of no-risk, no-reward. This summer I discovered something very big about myself: I had been looking at the second half of my life as the time when I would be so wise and experienced that I would be virtually fail-proof (and wouldn’t that be such a relief to my friends and kids and stuff?) One day I had this awakening: I don’t want to live that way. I want to use the resources and wisdom I’ve gained in my 51 years to try something new, to live with all my heart, to lean into the great adventure that is ahead of me. I don’t want to live just avoiding mistakes. So, I said yes to dating, yes to a month in Italy this fall and yes to loads of smaller but still exciting opportunities and I have never been happier.
You may have to be willing to suspend an old mindset (or a couple of them.)
Like…an arbitrary measure of time you’ve attached to how long one should wait to date after being widowed. Or…the need to know for certain that someone is THE one before having a cup of coffee with that someone. Or…that dating is somehow unfaithful to the memory of your first husband. And I would especially suggest suspending the mindset that I have heard more than any coming from widows: “What will my friends/kids/church/coworkers think if I start dating again?” (And the probable answer to that, by the way, is: some will think it’s awesome and some will think it’s awful.) You don’t have to get rid of those mindsets forever, but you may need to suspend them while considering the possibility that you formed them with less information than you have now. You can always go back and worry what everyone thinks about your decisions later.
You will need to give yourself permission to love the adventure.
Because the thing is: Dating is really fun, unless it isn’t. And, like anything, whether it is or isn’t fun often has so much to do with how we view it. It can be a necessary evil, wherein the world is filled with frogs, dogs and no princes (aka: no one who measures up to the memory of our beloved), or it can be a daring adventure, where dates in and of themselves are an opportunity to discover things about us and about the world. Maybe they’ll also produce a fun new friendship, or a run at romance or even the ever-elusive True Love. Regardless of the end result, acknowledging that you will enjoy this season of life rather than resenting it or feeling guilty about it is a good way to set yourself up for success. And I know you didn’t ask for it, but here’s my opinion from the Cheap Seats: You are brave and strong and beautiful. You deserve an epic adventure.
You will not need to leave your memories or your sorrow behind.
Since I’ve talked about dating, people have said it’s good to see me moving on. But, no. I haven’t moved on from Steve or from sorrow. I’ve found that grief is pretty light-on-its-feet. It has a way of finding us in every season. My memories of Steve are less sharp and painful now, but occasionally still quite achey. It is a testament to the good heart of the man I am dating that he has never once resented my need to talk about Steve and process the life I had with him. He holds my memories, my marriage and my still-hurting heart with so much grace and has been a safe place for my sorrow to land. (I could be wrong about this, but I’m going to go ahead and say it: If you run into a man who cannot deal with the fact that you had a life before him, keep on running.)
So, that’s it. Easy, right? Nuh uh. I know it isn’t. I know it’s terrifying and treacherous and feels like one wrong decision will send you and all your people spiraling. I wish I could help you with that, but I can’t. All I can say is that whatever decision you make in this regard, hang on and trust hard. God is good at love; you can count on Him again.
My brilliant and well-read daughter, Whitney, is taking over the blog today to give you the run-down on great reading! I love her mix of fun, educational and inspirational books. Enjoy!
I realized while journaling the other day that I can pretty much think back on the events of 2016 and know when they happened based on what book I was reading or listening to at the time.
Tip for Moms: the best gift I gave myself this year, the most indulgent, productive thing I did for myself, was buy a monthly subscription to audible.com. It’s $14.95 and that gets you a new credit each month with which to get a new audio book. Why did this help me so much? Well, I realized two of the things that take the most time in my life, I also happen to dread. Cleaning my house, and commuting across town. There are too many reasons to list why I hate these things, and I think you all feel them too, so let’s just say, I hated them, I dreaded them, and being honest here, I avoided them, choosing instead to binge watch Gilmore Girls on my couch while my toddlers ran amuck and my son missed preschool. I mean, it didn’t really get that bad, but it was close. So, I found all the rogue headphones in all the junk drawers, I put them all in one place, and whenever it was time to clean or vacuum or fold laundry or do dishes, I grabbed a pair and listened to my book (oftentimes with one ear out so I could hear if one of the boys fell in the toilet). It made the time pass so quickly and made my dirty jobs feel so much less horrible, and I was able to feel that sense of accomplishment when I’d look at my dishwasher and think, “Oh my gosh, it’s unloaded already? But they haven’t even found OJ yet!” Then when I was by myself in the car or just with my little guy, I’d listen to more of my book. “What? I’m home? They haven’t even dropped the bombs on France yet!” I’m telling you, game-changer.
So, here are the books I’ve read or listened to in 2016, and a few sentences on each book.
January – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
This book is life-changing, and that’s the bottom line. Start your year with it and see how your organization, your view of your time, and your priorities, change for the better. I dare you.
February – The Strong, Sensitive Boy by Ted Zeff.
This book got my attention at the library because when I picked it up and read the back cover, it basically said, “Is your son…Greyson Parnell?” It literally listed out so many characteristics of Greyson’s personality that I hadn’t been quite able to understand yet. This book changed the way I relate with him and there’s no hyperbole when I say I’ll be forever grateful for this book.
March/April – The Run of His Life by Jeffrey Toobin
This is about the OJ Simpson trial and it’s super fascinating. The OJ drama happened while I was about six so there was a lot I didn’t know, and I found all the details of the case very interesting. Definitely recommend if you’re interested in cases, juries, judges, and crazy people.
May – Essentialism by George McKeown
If 7 Habits hadn’t taught me all I needed to know about simplifying and prioritizing, this book finished the job. (I say that as if all my priorities are now perfectly in order and I haven’t since said yes to twelve too many things…ha) It’s all about saying the hard NO so you can truly excel when you finally get to say YES, and I highly recommend it.
June – Good to Great by Jim Collins
Another game-changing, home-run, no-wonder-every-successful-person-anywhere-has-this-on-their-bookshelf title. It’s about massive organizations who beat out their competitors to go from “Good to Great”. I quote wisdom from this book probably once a week, and it’s concepts have driven themselves into my work habits, my leadership and my decision-making and communication. This book absolutely slays for anyone in management or leadership, and I strongly recommend it.
July – The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
This book taught me a lot about motivation and why it’s important to infuse my life with a little happiness every now and then, when before I saw happiness as a chancy, yet pleasant outcome of events. I now see the power happiness holds, and I’m learning to take full advantage of it.
August – Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
If you’ve ever had a thing for a man in uniform, this book is for you! Jocko & Leif are Navy Seals who fought in the War on Terror in Ramadi, Iraq. The book draws parallels between leadership strategies in the Navy and how they apply in the business world. It has tons of amazing stories from the war and examples from the huge companies they’ve coached since returning home. It’s truly a winner.
September – All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr
While this story is very sad, it’s beauty and quality far outweigh any negativity the sadness holds. There were times I’d be folding laundry and I’d say out loud, “Ugh, that’s so beautiful.” Plus, it’s narrated by Zach Appelman…let me just say I never knew what amazing narrating was until I listened to this book. And it made me want to learn to play Clair De Lune on piano, a dream that will have to wait until 2017. I’ll blog on that next year. But seriously, this book is absolutely amazing.
October – Truly, Madly, Guilty by Liann Moriarty
Okay, so I love Liann’s writing style and have read about four of her other books, but this one was just soooo sooooo saaaaddddd. And the storyline includes a two-year-old, so of course I could only think of Finn…anyway. I really liked it, but it was definitely indulgently sad. If you’re looking for one of her better ones, read What Alice Forgot or Big Little Lies. They’re dynamite.
November Part 1 – Jackaby by William Ritter
This is an easy read, a YA mystery that’s like a mix of Sherlock and Harry Potter. It’s really fun and super easy to listen to, but not as amazing as my other flings earlier in the year.
November Part 2 – Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
PARENTING GAME-CHANGER. Not kidding, this book answered questions about parenting I didn’t even know I had. I can’t even tell you the difference it’s made in how I approach emotions and parenting…and my house is chalk full of both. If you’re a parent to anyone, read this.
December – Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham
I can’t. I literally can’t. This book might just top the charts for me this year, and I couldn’t be more surprised at how much I loved it. Lauren Graham is absolutely delightful. She talks all about her childhood, about working her butt off in “the biz”, about other celebrities, about standards of work, about being single, about dating, about Gilmore Girls, about Parenthood, about Ed Shermann and Mae Whitman…I feel like I had tears in my eyes the entire way through the book. I cannot recommend it enough, ESPECIALLY if you’ve watched Gilmore Girls. Seriously.
Present – The Millionaire Next Door by William Danko and Thomas Stanley
The jury’s still out on this one (unlike OJ, I can confidently say) but I can say I’m only 30 minutes in and it’s already completely changing how I thought about American wealth, and I can’t wait to keep going with it.
And that, my friends, is a comprehensive, entirely-too-detailed list of the books I read this year. I’d love to talk more about each one, but better yet, go read them all yourself! Or listen to them while you vacuum! “But wait, Lauren Graham hasn’t even finished judging on Project Runway!”
DeDe - Mark & I are living in the ‘2nd chances’ of God, we attended a Marriage Conference at our church a few months ago, they presented Andy Stanleys teaching on marriage. He said something that will indeed stick with me like gum to my shoe (but not so annoying)He said we are not called to be committed to our ‘marriage’ (the institution) but ‘I’ am to be committed to … Mark. In todays society we ‘exchange’ marriage partners with such ease that the ‘institution’ seems to have names crossed out and others written in with little to no fuss at all. But if I am committed to MARK, the person, the man, the co-heir of God that he is, there is no room for replacement. Comitted to the person, not the institution.
Love you Bo.