Well, first of all, let me say that I am not an expert on saying the right thing. I have often failed dismally at this, in fact. However, in the past few months I have become something of an expert at hearing amazing things and I have taken good notes.
Here are some of my favorite moments of encouragement – poured out by those who love us and handed to us like little drinks of water in the desert:
- Many people at our large church have stopped me just to say, “I don’t need to know any details, I just need you to know that I’m praying.” This is so lovely. There are days when I could not stop crying if you offered me a million dollars and a sparkly tiara (I really love a good tiara). And there are days when I am out of tears and feeling strong and would very much like NOT to cry. This comment lets me know that someone really loves us, but it lets me off the hook for sharing the details if I don’t feel like it at the time. Now, sometimes it really helps to talk about it and sometimes I just don’t have the heart to tell or hear the story again, so I love the way this sweet sentence puts the ball in my court.
- Several people have said something to me along the lines of “I’m praying for Steve. He was the first person to welcome us here at Westside…” or “he was there for me when I went through a divorce…” or “he met with my son every week five years ago to help him through a hard time.” Oh, how I love these testimonies to the great man that my husband is and the impact he has made. Some people have even sat down and written me a note about why they love Steve so much and how they are praying for him. You better believe I have saved every single one.
- A sweet friend stopped by my office with a beautiful card and a bottle of wonderful lotion. She said, “This is just something little…” but you know, it was a lot to me. It had been a hard and emotional day and it felt lovely and luxurious and it reminded me that God cared about the real me. Another friend gave me a box of Kleenex and a Starbucks gift card – how darling and thoughtful is that? Very! (Thank you, Robyn & Patty!)
- Many people have told me to please let them know if there is anything they can do. While right now our lives are pretty normal, I can’t tell you the way those offers make me feel. The best way to describe it, I think, is “not alone”. Loved. Cared for.
- Several people have specifically said that they are the people to call if I need any help with my children. Oh dear…even now these offers bring tears to my eyes because our children are so dear and we worry about them as we look at the road that lies ahead. To know that there are people praying and caring for them specifically is the greatest gift we could hope for.
So, have people said things that have made me feel sad or uncomfortable or frustrated? Well, yes, but not very often. Overall, people have been awesome but there have been times when I have had to choose to move beyond an ill-timed or badly worded comment. Frankly, there are times when my heart is in such a state that the “right words” just don’t exist and so it would be unfair to expect people to find them.
One helpful tip I’ve discovered is this: the closer someone is to me, the more latitude they have to speak into my life. They can disagree, contradict or even – gasp! – make a few jokes about this difficult situation and I still know that they love me and understand what I’m going through. For example, last week as I was shoveling snow (something I have actually never done before), my daughter, Tess, came out, shook her head and said, “Stupid ALS.” At first, it was kind of shocking but then we both laughed really hard out in that darn snow storm, both understanding that we each get it…this is hard, and it feels not that fair, but we can still laugh and love our lives. Tess is part of the team that is walking this out so she gets a lot of room to make jokes that might otherwise seem inappropriate or uncaring. Newly aware of this principle, I am using it to gauge my own comments to hurting people. How close am I? How well do I know their situation? These are the slide rules I’m using to figure out what’s best to say and when to say it.
Now that I’ve been on this side of the fence, I am more aware of how important it is to acknowledge when someone is in a struggling season – even if the words we say seem awkward or inadequate. Please know that every single “I’m praying” makes a difference and gives us hope to the hurting heart that they are not alone.
Abundantly Thankful for Thoughtful Friends,
Bo
P.S. I read an article similar to this one written by an atheist and she said she doesn’t like it when people say, “I’m praying for you.” We have some friends in that camp and they say things to us like, “Our thoughts are with you…” and that’s just fine. It still means so much to us.
Well said. 🙂
My Dad was killed in a car accident when I was 15. I still remember the flood of cards and wishes from people who had no idea what to say. They knew that no spoken word would really bring me any comfort. And yet, they knew that I needed their support. I needed to know they were there for me. So they tried. And I remember that even the miserable failures, the “He’s in a better place” type of comments that annoyed and angered me, still eventually settled in my heart positively, because it was something.
When I went back to school after missing about a week, I was ignored by awkward teenagers who had no idea what to say. Even most of my friends just simply avoided me. I knew why, but I really needed them. One day I found a card tucked into my binder. My entire Gourmet Foods class had signed it. They would hardly speak to me, but that card meant so much.
So, now, when I encounter someone who has experienced (or is experiencing) a tragedy, I open my mouth and say something. I try to be sensitive. I try not to say something dumb, but I say something, because I know they need to know I care.
Bo- we don’t know each other, and I’ve never met your husband. But I’ve been reading your blog since October 2010 and your words have inspired, encouraged and challenged me. Your honesty and openness have uplifted my heart. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family, that God will do what only He can do… walk with you through this storm.
Love (really- my heart is full)
Angie
How does “I’m crying with you” work. Cuz after reading this that is what I’m doing. Love you guys!
During my tough season, it gave me enormous strength to just hear those simple words. “I’m sorry, and I am praying/thinking of you.” I had just put caller id on my home phone, because I did not have the emotional energy it took to answer calls, and tell people the details of our story. It was 12 years ago, tomorrow, that Greg made his final journey to heaven. It was nice to listen to the voice messages. I would make a note of who called, and the list kept getting longer and longer. I decided to add to it the names of people who sent written notes, or those who stopped by the house. I still have that long list, and it made me feel overwhelmingly loved. I would take it out and reread the names, when I was feeling sad and lonely. I always feel priviliged to pray for life, and healing, and continued peace throughout the storms for you and your family. Know you are loved. Know that we care when words are hard to express. love to you all, Kelley
It is amazing during a tough season how you can feel so at a loss for words, and other days, you could just SCREAM. 🙂 There has been many of times I have wanted to write a novel on this… I think this one thing I am so SO SO glad for the church for, and one of the things I hated. Comforting quick words mean the world… sometimes it was silence and hoping people would stop looking at you funny.
It is those who are the closest who get weight in the tough times… but that is why they are there. To help carry you (and make you laugh). Thankful for those great people. Thankful that people are just willing to “be” there (even if they are obligated by birth 🙂 ).
Some days words mean nothing. Simple gestures mean the world. Other days words mean the world, and the stuff is just one more thing. Praise the Lord for the holy spirit. True comfort and peace. 🙂 and for those who intently listen, because He is the only one who truly knows what we need!
Love you!
I haven’t read any of the other comments, but this thought came to me as i was reading your blog….
This is similar, but not the same….. I’ve had people say to me at work or where ever… “God bless you”, or “Bless you”, or “I’m praying for you”… I repond with the acknowledgement of “Thank You, I’ll take it”… I’ll take all i can get…….I think it just reminds me and them that we all need encouragement, and i appreciate all i can get…
Dear Bo… Please know that the Turk family loves your family dearly… The verse of scripture, (maybe taken out of context, hopefully not) when one part of the body hurts,the rest of the body is affected… Your family has affected so many others in Gods body, ours included, and our hearsts hurt for you during this time…. I know though, that in a difficult season in our lives… i look back and have said many times… I wouldn’t want to do it again, but i wouldn’t have missed it for anything in this world…
Oh please know that our prayers are with you…. Hugs from a distance! Cathy
Bo, I cannot speak, I have no words, I have love and I have sadness. My heart is broken, and am sharing some tears with you and the whole Stern family. Just sending hugs.
It was the most frustrating thing in the world to have to explain my health problems to people when I was still coming to terms with them myself and trying to get a grasp on God’s promises for healing. I loved that people cared so much, but to tell it over and over again felt like I was getting beat down with an unpleasant reality. People overcoming their curiosity and not needing to know the details till we were ready to share them and just saying they were praying and loving us was the greatest thing anyone could say. Such a blessing. We did share when we were ready.
What not to do…give us books on people who have had horrible aneurisms and survived/rehabilitated after a long road and tell me not to give up hope. Also not to corner me on our wedding day and demand all the details so you do more research to better understand where I am at and coming from. If you steer clear of those approaches and aren’t asking out of morbid curiosity, I think you are on the right side 🙂
Oh goodness, I really loved all these comments and I continue to learn from all your experiences.
Taylor, I specifically remember wondering what I could do or say to you when your mom went to be with Jesus. I actually hadn’t met either one of you yet – only your dad and your brothers – but I wanted so badly to have something right to say in a situation that seemed totally wrong. I do remember sitting at her memorial service and looking around at the standing room only crowd, whispering, “Wow, Jesus, Conya must have been just brilliant…look how people love her.” I guess I wanted to say now what I didn’t say then: your mom was brilliant. Clearly…she raised you. I love you too.
Our hearts hurt day and night as we pray for your family. Hugs, tears and prayers from our family to yours.